Babies????!
Question: If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I
really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me
is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying,
Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its.. its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie....Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs
Answers: If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I
really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me
is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying,
Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its.. its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie....Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs
LMAO HAHAHAAHHHEHEEHHE thats so funny i almost peed my pants!
once when my lillest grl got her new puppy (she didnt know that had he had gotten up and just peed and went and layed back down) ,she went over to him and started rubbing his belly and got her hand wet and looked at her dad, to his horror and said"daddy i believe he just had a wet dream"lol she didnt mean it the way it sounded but i couldnt help but to laugh. she jus thought he'd peed the bed
lmao!!!! i sat here and read that all and it was so funny!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!
Funny!
that was too funny!!! i almost cried myself
ew my god cant you get arested for that x that makes you a jerk in more ways then one hohoho
VERY VERY FUNNY..... THANKS
tears are coming out of MY EYES....
Oh... i did not go through pet syndrome
THANKS for the great laugh! The visual on that was superb.
Funny stuff!
laughed the whole time. (my mom just asked whether we are safe)
hahahahahahahahahaha very funny
Thanks for the laugh. here is your star
Funny! 100!
Not only was this story hilarious but it was full of useful information.. absolutely brilliant!! STAR!
It's priceless, and I'm speechless!!!!!!!!!! LOL
OMG,this is so funny,I thought it was funny as I knew lizards laid eggs,but I was not expecting that ending,it is priceless,Bravo!!!!!!100+and many stars
A long but very best joke yet! lol
awesome!... you are def. getting a star!
Absolutely fuckin* great!!! :D
Haha!
THAT IS PRICELESS!
O Em FREAKIN GEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course lizards lay eggs
oy
but oo well
true story?
a costly past time with lizards.. go ahead for sake of children... ur happiness lies in their happiness..i'm not fond of animals least of all lizards...