Can someone tell me a good joke?!


Question: There were these three nuns who haven't EVER done anything bad. They wanted to know what it felt like to do something bad, so they told their priest about there situation. He told them to go out and do something bad, but make sure to come back and drink some holy water afterwards.
One hour later....
The first nun comes back shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really bad!"
"What did you do?"
"I stole a woman’s purse!"
"Drink some holy water and you will be forgiven"
She did what the priest said, and drank the water.
The 2 nun comes in shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really, really bad!"
"What did you do?"
"I set a house on fire!"
"Well, drink some holy water and you'll be forgiven"
She did what the priest said, and drank the water.
The third nun comes in from a room shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really, really, really bad!"
"What did you do?"
“I went pee in the holy water!"
==============================...
ok one day a blonde brunnette and a red head approached a river full of sharks and crocodiles and stuff and they were trying to figure out a way to get across. The red head (ranger) tried to swim across but she got eaten and then the brunnette tried to jump across but she didnn't make it and got eaten. Then the blonde says ” I know ill use that bridge over there to make a boat to get across
==============================...
ok so a lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
==============================...
ok so theres a blonde guy (of course) and hes goin to work. he parks his car in the parkin lot and goes in
he comes out after 8 hours of work just to find someone tryin to break into his car! he trys to stop the car jacker but before he can the car jacker says" step in to the circle or else!!" so the blonde guy gets in the circle... a half hour or so later the blonde guy starts laughin for no reason! the car jacker looks at him and asks him wats so funny. the blonde says" while u weren't looking i stepped out of the circle!"
==============================...
ok a blonde a brunette and a red head...(here we go again huh?) are stranded in the middle of nowhere they decide they need to find food so thats wat they do. the brunette is fist! the brunette goes out first and comes back an hour later with a moose!! the red head and the blonde are amazed! when asked how she did it she replied" it was easy follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a moose!" the red head wants to try next so she goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer!the blonde is still amazed! when asked how she replied" it wasnt that hard follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a deer!!" the blonde says its her turn so she goes out and comes back 5 hours later with mangled hair, dirt all over,and a few bruises but no food!!! when asked wat happened she replied (barely) " it was easy follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a train!
==============================...
ok so theres a blonde and shes going to the salon and she walks in and the barber dude says "u have to take off ur head phones to get ur hair done"the blonde looks at him and says " no ill die!!!" the barber says ok ill wash around them"
so he's washing her hair and the batterie short surcuits and the blonde dies! the barber is kinda confused so he took out the CD and put it in his stereo. all of the sudden he hears" breathe in, breathe out!
==============================...
ok theres a blonde going to the eye doctor! and the blonde goes in and the doctor says" ok now mam if u could take out ur contacts? " the blonde goes " NO i'll DIE!!!" the eye doctor is kinda confused but tells the blonde to go home and come back tomorowso thats wat she does and when she comes back the next day the eye doctor had a trainquilizer gun and shoots her with it! he takes out her contacts and she dies! upon further inspection of the contacts he sees "left,right breathe breathe" etched into the contacts!
==============================...
Q: Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blonds have BMW's?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why did the blond die in a helicopter crash?
A: Because she got cold and turned the fan off.


Q: What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: Why do blonds wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why did the blond have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk".

Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the Doctors?
A: Because she though it was pregnant because it missed a period.
==============================...
A blonde walk into a a bar orders a bottle of champagne The bartender asked what the occasion She says I finished a jigsaw puzzle The bartender repeats what she had said
She says yes It said on the 7 to 12 years and it took me only 6 months
==============================...
One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and say, "Hi, is there anything I could do for your house or u???"
The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."
The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?"
The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"
She quickly agrees and gets straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"
25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?"
surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money"
he comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porche!"
==============================...
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
==============================...
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooo…….. can you see Florida...?????"
==============================...
A blonde had been saving up her money for some time but she didn't know what to buy. She was driving along one day and decided to buy a canoe. After buying it she realized it was too big to fit in her car. So she got in the canoe and started pushing it down the road. Car were speeding past and honking their horns when another blonde pulls up beside her and says " it's blondes like you that give other blondes a bad name, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your a**!!"
==============================...
There was a blonde, brunnete & a redhead.
They all had to swim 20 miles to reach their destination
first was the brunnete. she swam 10, 13, 14 and was too tired to carry on so she drowned.
Then there was the redhead.
She swam 10, 14 , 15 and was too tired and stopped & drowned.
Then there was the blonde,
(even though im blonde i find it rather funny)
She swam 10, 13, 16, 18 miles
and was too tired to carry on.
So she swam back again.
==============================...
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on.She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and Stopped at a nearby farm. She said to the farmer "If Ican tell you how many
Sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer
Looked around astonished and said "all right take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your Natural hair colour can I have my sheep back?"the blonde agreed and the farmer said" your a blonde huh?" the blonde was shocked she wondered how he knew! she asked him how he knew and he said " well first of all you are holding my dog..."
==============================...


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.



Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
==============================...
What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"

What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"

What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"
==============================...
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks:

"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
==============================...
what do you call a fly without wings? 'A WALK'

What do you call a man with 1 leg?
IHOP
==============================...
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
==============================...
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
==============================...
A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What are you having then?"
Man replies, "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee"
The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them and lights up a cigarette.
"So whats the occassion?" asks the bartender.
"Just had my first blo job" replies the man.
"Really how was it?" replies the bartender.
Man replied, "Not too bad but i can still taste it!"
==============================...
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
==============================...
Blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, Husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times


Funny huh?
==============================...
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.




2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants
a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.




3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's
involved with the
woman next door. Ugly: So are you.




4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your
wife can't find
her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.




5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's
a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.




6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.




7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's the pet dog. Ugly: The dog is pregnant now.


8. Good: Your 15-year-old daughter got a new job. Bad: As
a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly:
She makes more money than you do.
==============================...
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
==============================...
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
==============================...
the many new Blonde inventions...
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
the underwater hair dryer
======================================...
A guy walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk " Do you have any apples?" The clerk says "No, we don't have any apples."
The next day the guy comes back and asks " Do you have any apples?" Again the clerk says "No, we don't have any apples."
The next day the guy comes back and says " Do you have any apples?" This time the clerk says " NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY STINKING APPLES, AND IF YOU COME BACK TOMORROW AND ASK IF WE HAVE ANY APPLES I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR HANDS TO THE WALL." The guy leaves.
The next day the same guy comes back and he asks the clerk "Got any nails?" The clerk says "No." "Got any apples?"
======================================...
why does Hitler hate the letter y?
because it's Nazi! (not z!) i made it up myself!!!

how do u get pikachu on the plane?
u pokemon!(poke him on!)

where does a 1-legged lady eat breakfast?
IHOP! (i hop!)
======================================...
Q- How do you know if a blond has been using your computer?

A- There is white out on the Monitor.

Q- How do you know if a blond is having a bad?

A-There is a tampon behind her ear, and where the heck is her pencil.

Q- What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

A-Pull the pin and throw it back.
======================================...
thats all i got soo... BUBYEE!!!!


Answers: There were these three nuns who haven't EVER done anything bad. They wanted to know what it felt like to do something bad, so they told their priest about there situation. He told them to go out and do something bad, but make sure to come back and drink some holy water afterwards.
One hour later....
The first nun comes back shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really bad!"
"What did you do?"
"I stole a woman’s purse!"
"Drink some holy water and you will be forgiven"
She did what the priest said, and drank the water.
The 2 nun comes in shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really, really bad!"
"What did you do?"
"I set a house on fire!"
"Well, drink some holy water and you'll be forgiven"
She did what the priest said, and drank the water.
The third nun comes in from a room shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really, really, really bad!"
"What did you do?"
“I went pee in the holy water!"
==============================...
ok one day a blonde brunnette and a red head approached a river full of sharks and crocodiles and stuff and they were trying to figure out a way to get across. The red head (ranger) tried to swim across but she got eaten and then the brunnette tried to jump across but she didnn't make it and got eaten. Then the blonde says ” I know ill use that bridge over there to make a boat to get across
==============================...
ok so a lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
==============================...
ok so theres a blonde guy (of course) and hes goin to work. he parks his car in the parkin lot and goes in
he comes out after 8 hours of work just to find someone tryin to break into his car! he trys to stop the car jacker but before he can the car jacker says" step in to the circle or else!!" so the blonde guy gets in the circle... a half hour or so later the blonde guy starts laughin for no reason! the car jacker looks at him and asks him wats so funny. the blonde says" while u weren't looking i stepped out of the circle!"
==============================...
ok a blonde a brunette and a red head...(here we go again huh?) are stranded in the middle of nowhere they decide they need to find food so thats wat they do. the brunette is fist! the brunette goes out first and comes back an hour later with a moose!! the red head and the blonde are amazed! when asked how she did it she replied" it was easy follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a moose!" the red head wants to try next so she goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer!the blonde is still amazed! when asked how she replied" it wasnt that hard follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a deer!!" the blonde says its her turn so she goes out and comes back 5 hours later with mangled hair, dirt all over,and a few bruises but no food!!! when asked wat happened she replied (barely) " it was easy follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a train!
==============================...
ok so theres a blonde and shes going to the salon and she walks in and the barber dude says "u have to take off ur head phones to get ur hair done"the blonde looks at him and says " no ill die!!!" the barber says ok ill wash around them"
so he's washing her hair and the batterie short surcuits and the blonde dies! the barber is kinda confused so he took out the CD and put it in his stereo. all of the sudden he hears" breathe in, breathe out!
==============================...
ok theres a blonde going to the eye doctor! and the blonde goes in and the doctor says" ok now mam if u could take out ur contacts? " the blonde goes " NO i'll DIE!!!" the eye doctor is kinda confused but tells the blonde to go home and come back tomorowso thats wat she does and when she comes back the next day the eye doctor had a trainquilizer gun and shoots her with it! he takes out her contacts and she dies! upon further inspection of the contacts he sees "left,right breathe breathe" etched into the contacts!
==============================...
Q: Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blonds have BMW's?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why did the blond die in a helicopter crash?
A: Because she got cold and turned the fan off.


Q: What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: Why do blonds wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why did the blond have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk".

Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the Doctors?
A: Because she though it was pregnant because it missed a period.
==============================...
A blonde walk into a a bar orders a bottle of champagne The bartender asked what the occasion She says I finished a jigsaw puzzle The bartender repeats what she had said
She says yes It said on the 7 to 12 years and it took me only 6 months
==============================...
One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and say, "Hi, is there anything I could do for your house or u???"
The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."
The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?"
The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"
She quickly agrees and gets straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"
25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?"
surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money"
he comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porche!"
==============================...
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
==============================...
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooo…….. can you see Florida...?????"
==============================...
A blonde had been saving up her money for some time but she didn't know what to buy. She was driving along one day and decided to buy a canoe. After buying it she realized it was too big to fit in her car. So she got in the canoe and started pushing it down the road. Car were speeding past and honking their horns when another blonde pulls up beside her and says " it's blondes like you that give other blondes a bad name, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your a**!!"
==============================...
There was a blonde, brunnete & a redhead.
They all had to swim 20 miles to reach their destination
first was the brunnete. she swam 10, 13, 14 and was too tired to carry on so she drowned.
Then there was the redhead.
She swam 10, 14 , 15 and was too tired and stopped & drowned.
Then there was the blonde,
(even though im blonde i find it rather funny)
She swam 10, 13, 16, 18 miles
and was too tired to carry on.
So she swam back again.
==============================...
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on.She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and Stopped at a nearby farm. She said to the farmer "If Ican tell you how many
Sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer
Looked around astonished and said "all right take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your Natural hair colour can I have my sheep back?"the blonde agreed and the farmer said" your a blonde huh?" the blonde was shocked she wondered how he knew! she asked him how he knew and he said " well first of all you are holding my dog..."
==============================...


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.



Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
==============================...
What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"

What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"

What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"
==============================...
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks:

"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
==============================...
what do you call a fly without wings? 'A WALK'

What do you call a man with 1 leg?
IHOP
==============================...
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
==============================...
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
==============================...
A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What are you having then?"
Man replies, "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee"
The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them and lights up a cigarette.
"So whats the occassion?" asks the bartender.
"Just had my first blo job" replies the man.
"Really how was it?" replies the bartender.
Man replied, "Not too bad but i can still taste it!"
==============================...
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
==============================...
Blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, Husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times


Funny huh?
==============================...
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.




2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants
a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.




3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's
involved with the
woman next door. Ugly: So are you.




4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your
wife can't find
her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.




5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's
a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.




6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.




7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's the pet dog. Ugly: The dog is pregnant now.


8. Good: Your 15-year-old daughter got a new job. Bad: As
a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly:
She makes more money than you do.
==============================...
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
==============================...
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
==============================...
the many new Blonde inventions...
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
the underwater hair dryer
======================================...
A guy walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk " Do you have any apples?" The clerk says "No, we don't have any apples."
The next day the guy comes back and asks " Do you have any apples?" Again the clerk says "No, we don't have any apples."
The next day the guy comes back and says " Do you have any apples?" This time the clerk says " NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY STINKING APPLES, AND IF YOU COME BACK TOMORROW AND ASK IF WE HAVE ANY APPLES I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR HANDS TO THE WALL." The guy leaves.
The next day the same guy comes back and he asks the clerk "Got any nails?" The clerk says "No." "Got any apples?"
======================================...
why does Hitler hate the letter y?
because it's Nazi! (not z!) i made it up myself!!!

how do u get pikachu on the plane?
u pokemon!(poke him on!)

where does a 1-legged lady eat breakfast?
IHOP! (i hop!)
======================================...
Q- How do you know if a blond has been using your computer?

A- There is white out on the Monitor.

Q- How do you know if a blond is having a bad?

A-There is a tampon behind her ear, and where the heck is her pencil.

Q- What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

A-Pull the pin and throw it back.
======================================...
thats all i got soo... BUBYEE!!!!

Joke no 1

A little girl runs out of her school, one day shouting, " Mummy mummy! Today we learnt about number! And everyone else learnt 1,2,3,4,5,
But i learnt 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! Is it cos im blond mummy! is it cos im blond!!"
The mother replies " Yes dear, its because your blond."
The next day the same girl runns out of school and shouts at her mother "Mummy mummy!! Today we learnt about the alphabet! But everyoneelse onlu learnt A,B,C,D,E,F,G, But I learnt A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K!, Is it cos im Blonde mummy!! Is it cos im blonde!"
"Yes dear, its because your blonde."
The next day the same girl came out of school and shouted at her mother " Mummy mummy!! Today we went swimming! But all the other girls, were flat-chested, But look Mummy im not!!(chuckes her boobs into her mums face) Is it cos im blonde mummy!! Is it cos im blonde!!"
" No dear, its because your 23"


Blonde Joke no 2.

A blonde is short of money so she decides to wait after school, and kidnapp a child. So she waits at her old school and sucessfully kidnapps a child, then she pinns a note to his shirt which says:

"GiMmE £10,000 oR i WiLl KeEp
YoUr cHiLd HoStAgE, PuT tHe
PuT tHe mOnEy BeHiNd tHe
sWiNgS In tHe HoLe iN tHe
TrEe, Do ThIs By SuNdOwN
tOmOrRo Or tHe ChIlD GeTs iT!
BlOnDe GiRl"

Then she sends the child home to its parents, with the note pinned to its shirt.
The next day the blonde checks the tree, and sure enough the money was there! But it had a note to ot on it it said:

HoW cOuLd yOu Do tHiS To
A fElLoW BlOnDe!!!!
BlOnDe MuM

Hope you liked these jokes!=D

Two punk rockers listening to music in the bedroom, one punk rocker turns to the other and says "Is that Johnny Rotten", the other replies, "no i have only used it once."

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

a blondE is walking in the woods and finds a brunette walking down some railroad tracks... saying 51, 51, 51, 51... the blonde thinks it looks like fun, so she joins...51, 51, 51. sudently a train comes down the tracks, but niether the blond nor brunette jump off...then right before the train runs over them the brunette jumps off. the blone gets run over.............. the brunette jumps back onto the track and starts to say...52, 52, 52, 52......


a blonde is in a supermarket, she finds something shiny on the floor, but doesn't know what it is... she asks a store clerk. he says "it a thermos," the blonde asks what it does... the clerk replies." it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold..." the blonde says "ILL BUY IT!!!!!"
the next day @ work, she puts the thermos on her desk. her boss is also a blonde, and has no clue to what it is... he asks her. she replies, "its a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." he asks, "whatcha got in it?"
the blonde proudly replies..."2 popsicles and some coffee!!!"

one night in california 2 blondes are sitting on their balcony, looking up @ the moon. one asks the other..."which do you think is closer... the moon, or Florida???" the other blonde looks at her strangly, and replies..."well HELLOOOO!!!!! can U see Florida from here??"

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, an Irish man, an English man, a Scottish man, a midget and a donkey walk into a bar and the barman says "What the hell is this? Some kind of joke??"

in the yahoo answers search bar search for blonde hurts all over

Joke:

I was out walking the other day when a mate I hadn't seen for ages pulled his car over to the curb, wound the window down and said "Can you help me - I'm in a dilema."

I said. "It looks more like a Toyota to me."

Terrible I know.


Yet another:

A man goes into the doctors with a steering wheel sticking out the zipper of his trousers. The doctor says that must be painful - the guy says yes - it's driving me nuts.


Another one:

I went into the butcher's yesterday to buy some sausage. I looked up and saw that he had a load of meat stacked up on this really high shelf so I said to him "I bet you a fiver that you can't reach that meat without a ladder."

He looked at me and said. "No way, the steaks are much too high."


Also terrible.




My last one:

A man takes his friend, who has no body - only a head, out for a walk. As they are walking through the park the guy without a body spots a magic lamp. His mate grabs it and says to him that he can have the three wishes so they rub the lamp and a genie appears. Firstly the guy wishes for a body, then arms and lastly legs - the genie says a couple of magic words and ZAP!! the guy is now whole. He's so happy that he starts dancing about and running around - but he's not looking where he's going and runs straight into the raod and killed by a lorry.

The genie looks at his mate and says. "He should have just quit when he was a head."

Yes.



The answer content post by the user, if contains the copyright content please contact us, we will immediately remove it.
Copyright © 2007 enter-qa.com -   Contact us

Entertainment Categories