A big selection of jokes,do enjoy, cya all 2morrow.?!
Question: One night this guy get's hellish drunk and goes out to some of the worst dives in town.
Next morning he wakes up on the floor of some dingy, stinking room he's never seen before - and someone is snoring like hell beside him.
Slowly he turns his head and sees the ugliest slattern he has ever seen in his life "Oh no!" he groans and sneaks out of the bed, puts his clothes on and lays a 10 pound note on the manky pillow. As he tip-toes out of the gloomy room he feels a tug on his trouser leg.
Looking down he sees an even uglier woman who grins toothlessly at him and says,
"What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
--------------------------------------...
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, each wearing a frog on their forheads. The barman says, "This must be a joke."
Then in comes a man with a steering wheel down his trousers. The barman said "That looks painful!"
"Arrr, lad," the man replies, "its driving me nuts"
A wee mushroom toddles into the bar one day and the barman says he doesn't serve mushrooms. The mushroom says "Oh, come on, I'm a wee fun guy!"
Two very hard of hearing pensioners ended up in the same bar. Apparently they were in London, one says, "Is this Wembley?", the other says "No, its Thursday" and his friend replies "Me too, let's go get a beer."
Finally, a woman came into the bar and asked for a double entendre - so the barman gave her one.
--------------------------------------...
A man goes into a bar and the barman greets him most civily with: "Good evening sir, and what will you have."
"That's very good of you, I'll have a whisky." replies the man.
The barman pours the drink and then says, "There you go sir, that will two pounds."
"I beg your pardon, sir," replies the man, "but I don't owe you for this!"
The barman just stared, mystified, until a lawyer who happened to be sitting at the end of the bar bursts out laughing.
"He is perfectly correct, I am afraid. When you asked him what he wanted, in this contract you made, you made no implication that the drink he desired was in any way other than an offer of a gift. If he took you to court, I reckon he'd have a case"
The barman was upset, but very impressed with the sagacity of the man so he said, "Well, you got me there, have the drink on me for being so clever. But, after this, YOU'RE BARRED!"
Next day the man returns to the bar and the barman says, "Hey, you, I barred you yesterday, now get out."
"I beg your pardon!" responds the man, "this is the first time I have ever set foot in these premises."
"Oh, I am sorry" replies the barman, "I think you must have a double."
"Thank you very much," the man responds, "Make it a whisky."
--------------------------------------...
A man goes into a cocktail bar (this is a groaner by the way, but a good one) and asks the publican what he recommends.
"We do great grasshoppers here, it's our speciality!"
"Fine," says the man, "I'll have one!"
He enjoys it that much he has another, and another and - well, he drinks it all night and ends up para.
He staggers out into the street and just by chance this wee grasshopper is taking the night air.
"Hey," says the drunk, "d'you know, back there, they got a drink named after you!"
"What?" says the grasshopper, "They have a drink called Brian?"
--------------------------------------...
A policeman stops a guy who has been speeding at a furious rate.
"I'm taking you in boy," he says to the guy, "Never seen anything like it. I reckon a spell in the cell would do you some good to reflect on your recklessness."
"But officer, I can explain-"
"Just shut up!" growls the cop, "or I'll make things worse for you."
So he takes the guy down to the station and throws him into a cell. As he locks it he says ,"Just wait till the chief hears about you - he really can't stand you boy racers!"
"But officer-"
"Hey, just keep it zipped, I don't want to hear from you, got it?"
The guy sighs and flops onto the cell bed. Every hour or so the cop does a check on him. After about six hours of this the cop says,
"By the way, it's your lucky day. Just been told the chief's at his daughter's wedding, so he'll be in a better mood than usual when he gets here."
"Doubt that" says the guy with a grin "I'm the groom."
--------------------------------------...
A policeman is absolutely stunned to a blonde knitting as she is driving. Near blind with fury he draws along side her and yells to her:
"PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yells back," IT'S A SCARF!"
--------------------------------------...
A man is reading the classifieds in his local paper and is astonished to see the following:
FOR SALE:
Porsche Carerra GT, recently purchased, as new condition, full warranties, extras, MOT'd and Taxed to end year. For quick sale ￡300
He dials the phone number excitedly, surely a mistake, a misprint. But no, says the female voice at the other end, no misprint, does he want it?
Does he want it! He rushes round to her house and gives her the ￡300.
"I still can't believe this - a new Porsche for ￡300!" he says to her, "tell me, why so cheap?"
"Simple," says the woman, "my husband left me a note saying he has left me for a younger, prettier woman. I can keep the house and everything in it, but I've to sell the Porsche and send him the money."
--------------------------------------...
A new drive thru ATM was made available locally recently, the following guidelines were issued through letterboxes:
Procedures for MALE customers
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off
Procedures for FEMALE customers
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.
--------------------------------------...
A blonde is driving her car along the motorway when here boyfriend phones her on her mobile.
"Darling, just heard on the radio that there is a car going along that motorway the wrong way - please be careful and watch out for it."
Next thing he hears her terrified voice, "ONE car??? There's HUNDREDS of them!"
Answers: One night this guy get's hellish drunk and goes out to some of the worst dives in town.
Next morning he wakes up on the floor of some dingy, stinking room he's never seen before - and someone is snoring like hell beside him.
Slowly he turns his head and sees the ugliest slattern he has ever seen in his life "Oh no!" he groans and sneaks out of the bed, puts his clothes on and lays a 10 pound note on the manky pillow. As he tip-toes out of the gloomy room he feels a tug on his trouser leg.
Looking down he sees an even uglier woman who grins toothlessly at him and says,
"What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
--------------------------------------...
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, each wearing a frog on their forheads. The barman says, "This must be a joke."
Then in comes a man with a steering wheel down his trousers. The barman said "That looks painful!"
"Arrr, lad," the man replies, "its driving me nuts"
A wee mushroom toddles into the bar one day and the barman says he doesn't serve mushrooms. The mushroom says "Oh, come on, I'm a wee fun guy!"
Two very hard of hearing pensioners ended up in the same bar. Apparently they were in London, one says, "Is this Wembley?", the other says "No, its Thursday" and his friend replies "Me too, let's go get a beer."
Finally, a woman came into the bar and asked for a double entendre - so the barman gave her one.
--------------------------------------...
A man goes into a bar and the barman greets him most civily with: "Good evening sir, and what will you have."
"That's very good of you, I'll have a whisky." replies the man.
The barman pours the drink and then says, "There you go sir, that will two pounds."
"I beg your pardon, sir," replies the man, "but I don't owe you for this!"
The barman just stared, mystified, until a lawyer who happened to be sitting at the end of the bar bursts out laughing.
"He is perfectly correct, I am afraid. When you asked him what he wanted, in this contract you made, you made no implication that the drink he desired was in any way other than an offer of a gift. If he took you to court, I reckon he'd have a case"
The barman was upset, but very impressed with the sagacity of the man so he said, "Well, you got me there, have the drink on me for being so clever. But, after this, YOU'RE BARRED!"
Next day the man returns to the bar and the barman says, "Hey, you, I barred you yesterday, now get out."
"I beg your pardon!" responds the man, "this is the first time I have ever set foot in these premises."
"Oh, I am sorry" replies the barman, "I think you must have a double."
"Thank you very much," the man responds, "Make it a whisky."
--------------------------------------...
A man goes into a cocktail bar (this is a groaner by the way, but a good one) and asks the publican what he recommends.
"We do great grasshoppers here, it's our speciality!"
"Fine," says the man, "I'll have one!"
He enjoys it that much he has another, and another and - well, he drinks it all night and ends up para.
He staggers out into the street and just by chance this wee grasshopper is taking the night air.
"Hey," says the drunk, "d'you know, back there, they got a drink named after you!"
"What?" says the grasshopper, "They have a drink called Brian?"
--------------------------------------...
A policeman stops a guy who has been speeding at a furious rate.
"I'm taking you in boy," he says to the guy, "Never seen anything like it. I reckon a spell in the cell would do you some good to reflect on your recklessness."
"But officer, I can explain-"
"Just shut up!" growls the cop, "or I'll make things worse for you."
So he takes the guy down to the station and throws him into a cell. As he locks it he says ,"Just wait till the chief hears about you - he really can't stand you boy racers!"
"But officer-"
"Hey, just keep it zipped, I don't want to hear from you, got it?"
The guy sighs and flops onto the cell bed. Every hour or so the cop does a check on him. After about six hours of this the cop says,
"By the way, it's your lucky day. Just been told the chief's at his daughter's wedding, so he'll be in a better mood than usual when he gets here."
"Doubt that" says the guy with a grin "I'm the groom."
--------------------------------------...
A policeman is absolutely stunned to a blonde knitting as she is driving. Near blind with fury he draws along side her and yells to her:
"PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yells back," IT'S A SCARF!"
--------------------------------------...
A man is reading the classifieds in his local paper and is astonished to see the following:
FOR SALE:
Porsche Carerra GT, recently purchased, as new condition, full warranties, extras, MOT'd and Taxed to end year. For quick sale ￡300
He dials the phone number excitedly, surely a mistake, a misprint. But no, says the female voice at the other end, no misprint, does he want it?
Does he want it! He rushes round to her house and gives her the ￡300.
"I still can't believe this - a new Porsche for ￡300!" he says to her, "tell me, why so cheap?"
"Simple," says the woman, "my husband left me a note saying he has left me for a younger, prettier woman. I can keep the house and everything in it, but I've to sell the Porsche and send him the money."
--------------------------------------...
A new drive thru ATM was made available locally recently, the following guidelines were issued through letterboxes:
Procedures for MALE customers
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off
Procedures for FEMALE customers
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.
--------------------------------------...
A blonde is driving her car along the motorway when here boyfriend phones her on her mobile.
"Darling, just heard on the radio that there is a car going along that motorway the wrong way - please be careful and watch out for it."
Next thing he hears her terrified voice, "ONE car??? There's HUNDREDS of them!"
they were great thanx !
thank you Report It
* You must be logged into Answers to add comments. Sign in or Register.