You deserve 10 points if you tell me a funny joke?!
Question: Please im always searous i just want to laugh at least once.
It's going to be hard to make me laugh just waring you.
Answers: Please im always searous i just want to laugh at least once.
It's going to be hard to make me laugh just waring you.
ok here we go. this is what i got:
President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy"
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot "Such big-shots back there. Sh.., I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."
Life is all about asses
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one .
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Some may find this offensive, but still, it makes you giggle...
I was a bit depressed last night so i rang the samaritans,I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. When i told them i was feeling suicidal,they got all excited and asked if i could fly a plane?
I just found this on here posted by.... little devil
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
L AST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Hope this makes you smile!!
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they
all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused.
"Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.
The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She
started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or
coming down?"
The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to
her sister's shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
What would you eat on bread but not on pu$$y?
Crust
look in the mior that should make you laf
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** are interchangeable!
i thought this 1 was pretty funny <3
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
1. What runs around a yard but never moves?
A: a fence
2. Where do cars go swimming?
A: In a car pool
3. Why were the middle ages so dark?
A: Because there were a lot of knights
4. What has a tail and a head but no body?
A: a coin
5. What do you wash a phone with?
A: dial
6. What word is always spelled incorrectly?
A: Incorrectly!
7. Why is the math book so unhappy?
A: Because it is full of problems
8. Why did the student bring plastic scissors to lunch?
A: he wanted to cut in line
9. What do elves do afterschool?
A: Gnomework
10. How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad
I am smart
1,000 prostitutes were polled "Would you ever have sex with Bill Clinton?" 60% said "No, never again!"
My grandfather died in Auschwitz (German death camp)
People:- wow...so sorry...gee.....um....awkward silence...
- Yeah, he fell off the watchtower...
What did the blonde ask the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
Is it mine?
A guy goes and see's the doctor to get the results of his bloodwork. The doctor walks in a says, "I have good news and bad news, what do you want first. The guy says, give me the bad news doc. "The bad news is your going to die in 6 months" the doctor says. The guy is shocked but says" what is the good news then doc." The doc says, Good news is we are naming a disease after you."
Very old guy goes to the doctor and the guy asks Doc, how can I be sure I will live for atleast 5 more years. Doc says, well,
Do you smoke?
Guy says NO
Do you drink?
Guy says NO
Are you loose in bed?
Guy says NO
Doctor says, Why the hell would you want to live for 5 more years then?
But you're squidward, I can't make you laugh.
Fried Chicken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOMBATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How was that? You get a star!!!!
((((hugs))))
=)
-Gracie!