I am sad and i need really funny jokes?!
Question: LOL plz i need a good laugh
Answers: LOL plz i need a good laugh
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on
him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me
carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because
he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill
effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had
three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the
time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table
and made him promise not to peek.
At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife
was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise
not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she
was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing,
so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep
from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the
dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his
promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes,
farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells,
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for
his surprise birthday party.
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''
''No. You had your chance.''
A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''
''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''
''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?'
___
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
___
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you a**hole!
___
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
feel better?
wooooooooooooohooooooooooooo jiggle jiggle.
You wanna know how an 80 yr old's pu**y tastes?
Depends
I feel bad for that dog
Froot Loops
Why did the monkey fallout of the tree? -Because he was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? - Because he was tied to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? - Peer pressure.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? - He was doing a monkey impression.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?=20
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
What did Joseph yell out when Mary told him she was pregnant and he wasn't the father???
"Jesus Christ!!!
Q: How do you study the Bible?
A: You Luke into it.
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?
A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables).
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?
A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you).
Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?
A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray).
Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?
A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews).
Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch.
Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?
A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts).
Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?
A: 'E knocks.
Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?
A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?
A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians).
A 60-year-old couple are celebrating their 40th wedding annivesary.During the celebrations a fairy appears and
says that,since they have been such a loving couple,she'll give them each 1 wish.The wife wishes to travel the world.The fairy waves her wand and poof!She has a handful of tickets.Next,it's the husband's turn.He pauses for a moment,then says,"I'd like to have a woman 30years younger than me."So the fairy picks up her wand and poof!He's 90
Santa: today I made a fool of water?
Banta: how did you do that?
Santa: I heated some water for a bath and bathed with cold water
--------
Santa: My wife is still scared of water
Banta: how come?
Santa: yesterday when i went home,
she was in the bath tub with the security guard!!
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Santa to his wife: darling, years ago u had a figure like coke bottle.
Jeeto: yes darling i still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.
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banta: you cheated me.
shopkeeper: no, i sold a good radio to you.
banta: radio label shows made in japan but radio says this is all india
radio!
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nurse: congrats santa, you are a father.
santa: don't tell my wife, i want to surprise her!
------------
Everybody was angry with the hike in petrol prices
Santa: Sir, why are you so angry?
Sir: The petrol price is increasing day-by-day, this is not fair.
Santaji, you don't look worried?
Santa: Why should i worry. For me it is the same price.
Sir: how come?
Santa: Earlier also i filled for Rs 100 now also i fill for rs 100!
Sir: ???????????
Santa to Bill Gates
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur
money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?
Best regards,
Banta Singh
True story:
I ordered a pizza via carry out and parked the car with the engine running, when I got inside there was a mistake with my order and I had to wait like 30 mins. Long story short...
I ran over a homeless dog when it slept under my car for the warmth from the exhaust.
Cheers.