Short Romance & Marriage Jokes?!


Question: An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

--------------------------------------...

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

--------------------------------------...

The three fastest means of communication:

Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman

--------------------------------------...

A man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "You're single aren't you?"

The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"

She replies, "Because you are so damn ugly!"

-------------------------------------

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my husband!"

--------------------------------------...

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.

The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"


--------------------------------------...

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

--------------------------------------...

The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.

--------------------------------------...

Now there's a new organization of ladies who say that they want to pay their own way on dates; who say that they don't expect expensive gifts on their birthdays; and they say that they don't want men to give them their seats on the bus.

The group's called "Women's Fib."

--------------------------------------...

A little kid was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, looking very ill. His father was reading the empty bottle which must have contained what the boy had swallowed.

He yelled at his wife, "Noreen! It says to induce vomiting! Come in here and take your clothes off!"

--------------------------------------...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

--------------------------------------...

Morty was in his usual place that morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"


--------------------------------------...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"

I told her, "How about the kitchen?"


--------------------------------------...

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."

--------------------------------------...

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him mother didn't come after all."

--------------------------------------...

Wife: "Why can't my mother move in with us?"

Husband: "Because the Bible says I can't!"

Wife: "Show me where it says that!"

Husband: "Right here, see. No man can serve two masters!"

--------------------------------------...

A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.

"See," the wife said to the man lying beside her, "Didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"

--------------------------------------...

A pompous gentleman once asked the sharp-tongued actress, Mrs. Patrick Campbell, "Why do you suppose it is that women so utterly lack a sense of humor?"

"God did it on purpose," Mrs. Campbell answered without batting an eyelash, "so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you."


--------------------------------------...

Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife and afterward held her close. "I love you terribly," I whispered.

"You certainly do," was her reply.

--------------------------------------...

When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was."

--------------------------------------...

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

--------------------------------------...

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

--------------------------------------...

As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."

--------------------------------------...

A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway dear," the mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is!"

--------------------------------------...

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

--------------------------------------...

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend replies "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

--------------------------------------...


Answers: An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

--------------------------------------...

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

--------------------------------------...

The three fastest means of communication:

Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman

--------------------------------------...

A man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "You're single aren't you?"

The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"

She replies, "Because you are so damn ugly!"

-------------------------------------

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my husband!"

--------------------------------------...

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.

The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"


--------------------------------------...

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

--------------------------------------...

The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.

--------------------------------------...

Now there's a new organization of ladies who say that they want to pay their own way on dates; who say that they don't expect expensive gifts on their birthdays; and they say that they don't want men to give them their seats on the bus.

The group's called "Women's Fib."

--------------------------------------...

A little kid was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, looking very ill. His father was reading the empty bottle which must have contained what the boy had swallowed.

He yelled at his wife, "Noreen! It says to induce vomiting! Come in here and take your clothes off!"

--------------------------------------...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

--------------------------------------...

Morty was in his usual place that morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"


--------------------------------------...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"

I told her, "How about the kitchen?"


--------------------------------------...

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."

--------------------------------------...

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him mother didn't come after all."

--------------------------------------...

Wife: "Why can't my mother move in with us?"

Husband: "Because the Bible says I can't!"

Wife: "Show me where it says that!"

Husband: "Right here, see. No man can serve two masters!"

--------------------------------------...

A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.

"See," the wife said to the man lying beside her, "Didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"

--------------------------------------...

A pompous gentleman once asked the sharp-tongued actress, Mrs. Patrick Campbell, "Why do you suppose it is that women so utterly lack a sense of humor?"

"God did it on purpose," Mrs. Campbell answered without batting an eyelash, "so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you."


--------------------------------------...

Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife and afterward held her close. "I love you terribly," I whispered.

"You certainly do," was her reply.

--------------------------------------...

When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was."

--------------------------------------...

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

--------------------------------------...

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

--------------------------------------...

As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."

--------------------------------------...

A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway dear," the mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is!"

--------------------------------------...

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

--------------------------------------...

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend replies "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

--------------------------------------...

LOL, the Kuwait 1 is HILARIOUS!!!!!

10/10!!!!!!!!

these r great!!!!!!!!!!

cute

long



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