Funniest joke you ever heard?!


Question: Ok here it goes...

Here's Superman who is flying around patroling the city, you know being the protector he is. As he is flying around, he all of a sudden spots Wonderwoman laying on her bed naked through a window, then he starts to think a little dirty you know.

Because he's Superman (he's faster than a speeding bullet!), he flies in and screws Wonderwoman then flies out and he's gone...he does this all in a flash!

Wonderwoman goes, "what was that?"

Then the Invisible Man (who is invisible) says, "I don't know, but my *** is killing me!"

Get it? Hahahaha I thought it was funny...


Answers: Ok here it goes...

Here's Superman who is flying around patroling the city, you know being the protector he is. As he is flying around, he all of a sudden spots Wonderwoman laying on her bed naked through a window, then he starts to think a little dirty you know.

Because he's Superman (he's faster than a speeding bullet!), he flies in and screws Wonderwoman then flies out and he's gone...he does this all in a flash!

Wonderwoman goes, "what was that?"

Then the Invisible Man (who is invisible) says, "I don't know, but my *** is killing me!"

Get it? Hahahaha I thought it was funny...

3 nuns are trying to get into Heaven. The first nun walks up to St. Peter, St. Peter says,"I'll let you into Heaven if you can answer one question. Name the first Man that walked the earth".
The nun replies, "That's easy. Adam".
Birds start singing, trumpets play, the Pearly gates open, and She walks in.

The second nun walks up, St. Peter says again,"I'll let you into Heaven if you can answer one question.Name the first Woman that walked the earth". The nun says "that's too easy. Her name was Eve."
Birds start singing, trumpets play, the Pearly gates open, and She walks in.

The third nun walks up and St Peter says, " I'll let you into Heaven if you can answer one question. What were the first words that Eve spoke to Adam?"
The nun thinks for a minute, scratches her head, at this point, She's kinda puzzled. In her frustration, she blurts out, "boy, that's a hard one!"
Birds start singing, trumpets play, the Pearly gates open, and She walks in.

How do you get 3 little old church abidding ladies to scream out the "F" word?? Have the 4th. holler out BINGO!! first!!

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were at least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion that was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on
earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your freakin' bran muffins!! I could have been here ten years ago!"

there were 3 men who worked on a building and they got the same thing for lunch everyday. The brunette got ham,, The redhead got chicken,, and the blonde got turnkey. So the 3 of them said if I get this for lunch one more time Im going to jump off this building so the next day they got the same thing so they jumped off the brunette's wife said OH NO I shoulden't of packed him ham again. The red's said Oh no I shouldent of packed him chicken and the blonde's said Dont blame me he packed his own lunch!

so there was this mollusc and he walked up to a sea cucumber... well a mollusc doesnt really walk but you get the point and then he said...
Nemo!!

nemo? hahaha nemo!!

...i dont get it!!

This?

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to there . . . you know what I mean.

So I'm sitting in my room, killing time, with nothing to do, so I figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait; let me be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to dial 9 first, Sir."

or this?

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

1. Bert was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his job and personal life started to suffer because of it, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."
Bert was shocked and depressed. But since the headache made it impossible for him to concentrate long enough to answer, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear and free from pain. He felt like a different person. He realized he could make a new beginning in life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Bert laughed, "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman.
Bert tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bert admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bert thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, 16 1/2 neck." Bert was surprised. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
Bert tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Bert adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Bert was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's feet and said, "Let's see...9 1/2 wide." Bert was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
Bert tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Bert walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating Bert replied, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Bert was incredulous. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Bert was feeling great. Then the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Bert thought for a moment, but then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Bert laughed. "No, you finally got one wrong. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."

2.Throughout the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

3. A man in his last moments is accompanied by a priest. Suddenly, his eyes widened and his arm grappled around frantically.
"What, what is it?", said the priest. Getting no reply, he went on "can you write it down? I'll give it to your wife afterwards"
The man nodded, rather quickly. After writing it down, folding it and pressing it to the priest's hand, he breathed his last and died.
AFter the funeral, the priest approached the man's wife, and said "your husband wrote this before he died, I promised him i'd give it to you"
They opened the piece of paper for the first time since the man wrote it. It read:
Father, would you PLEASE get your foot of my IV hose! I'm dying!



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