Give Me Your Best Joke?!
Question: Give your best one liners!!!
Answers: Give your best one liners!!!
. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him ￡50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."
Did you hear about the blonde girl who drowned in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled her in.
I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
My blonde daughter said "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
How do you get a 1 armed Antartian out of a tree?
A. Wave to him.
The best joke for any one is the one he likes the most. With innumerable jokes, it is difficult to say which one is the best. I am giving you some joke which I deem is funny. See if you too like it. Here it goes.
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China .
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 He Could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the
American.
He then travelled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the
sign. Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
Readers, it is your turn........
Think .....before you scroll
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The priest smiled and answered,
"You're in India now, Son - it's a
Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth.
And interestingly, all the Gods were born or appeared in the Asian content and that too mostly, in India.
KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be an Indian
a guy walks into bar and says " ouch"
Friendship is like peeing your pants - everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling it brings
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.
Judge says to the prostitute 'So when did you realize you were raped?.'
Prostitute says 'When the fcuking check bounced!'
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
Too many to type here- I thought of a very small one. A man was asked in a hospital waiting room........"Did you come here to die?" and the guy replied....No..........I came here Yesterdie!!!