Got any good jokes about cheating spouses?!
Question: I went into my favorite bar last night, and I saw one of my good friends sitting alone, looking depressed. I went over to him and asked what was wrong, he told me "I just caught my wife cheating on me with my best friend."
"That's horrible," I told him. "What did you tell your wife?"
"I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!" He said.
"And what did you say to your best friend?" I asked.
"BAD DOG!" He replied.
Answers: I went into my favorite bar last night, and I saw one of my good friends sitting alone, looking depressed. I went over to him and asked what was wrong, he told me "I just caught my wife cheating on me with my best friend."
"That's horrible," I told him. "What did you tell your wife?"
"I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!" He said.
"And what did you say to your best friend?" I asked.
"BAD DOG!" He replied.
The Barber of Seville...
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.
"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,
"Your house."
But of course.
This one is kinda old, but here goes.
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short...?"
And another.
I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,"I'm another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say a word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."
There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss my bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked in, my secretary greeted mew with a big smile and a cheerful. "Happy Birthday, boss," She then asked if she could get me some coffee.
Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea."
So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do at the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.
After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
a couple was married for 25 wonderful years. They had great sex. but the wife always wondered why her husband said that they HAD to have sex in the dark. so one night while in the middle of sex, she turns on the light to see her husband holding a hand held vibrator. SHE got so mad. She yelled "you used a toy every time?? you bastard. explain yourself!"
he said, "i'll explain the toy after you explain the kids.
Two men are playing golf. There are two women in front of them who are taking forever to sink their shots. One of the men asks the other to go ask the women if they can play through. The 1st man walks towards the women, gets halfway there and stops. He turns around and comes back. He tells his friend "I can't go up to those women, one of them is my wife and the other's my mistress. You'll have to go ask."
The 2nd man walks up to the women, gets halfway there and stops. He turns around and comes back. He says to his friend, "Small world!"