I need a great joke to make poeple laugh..Any hilarious ones?!
Question: any jokes will work..please make me laugh..I need a good laugh, it's been a long day!
Answers: any jokes will work..please make me laugh..I need a good laugh, it's been a long day!
This?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
or this?
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl’s house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says
“See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can’t have one!”
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling “Nah na nah na nah!”
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. “See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can’t have them!”
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy’s bike.
Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says “You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can’t go buy you one!”
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, “Well, what do you have to say NOW?”
So she pulls up her dress and says…
“My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”
maybe short joke suit you more...
Judge says to the prostitute 'So when did you realize you were raped?.'
Prostitute says 'When the fcuking check bounced!'
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the **** are you?" the man asks
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
I just read this yesterday... I had fun reading this so.. I hope you will too :)
Actual Court Proceedings
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ________________________________________...
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? _____________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
One day a mother and her 6 year old child her walking down the
beach. the daughter asks "mummy what are those 2 doing?"
The mother doesn't want her to know about sex. So she says
making cakes. The child says Ohh. Day two, The mother and
child are walking into a highschool to pick up their old
daughter. The child looks around to see a couple having sex.
The child says to the mother "mummy their making cake
right?" and the mothers replied with a yes honey. day three,
on that morning the daughter wakes up and tells her mummy
"daddy was making cakes yesterday!" The mother
quickly replies with a "WITH WHO?!!!???"
A racecar driver was doing a cool stunt to show off to his girlfriend because she said she would strip if he did one. then while doing the twirl with her clothes alrdy taken off it flips and it lands. the racecar driver is stuck and the girlfriend is naked and cant call for help. the racecar driver says take my shoe and cover yourself! She gets out of the car and looks for a house and when she finnally finds one she screams help!!! my boyfriend is stuck! and the 2 people say im afraid your boyfriend is already too deep in.
Chatting On The Plane
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
here i stole this
why do doctors ask the nurse to boil water when a lady is in labor?
If the baby dies, we can make soup!!
Ancient Chinese torture
a man was walking lost in the country of china when he stumbled across an ancient house five stories tall he knocked on the door and an old 95year old Chinese man answered the door he said can you put me up for the knight then he said yes but on one condition you do not so much as lay a finger on my daughter or i will inflict the grate st in ancient Chinese torture apron you the man said OK thinking the daughter must be at least 50 when he sat down at the dinner table she walked in he was stunned at her beauty then he went to bed thinking about her. when he thought the old man was asleep he went to her room for a knight of passion. then when he went to bed he woke up that morning he found a large boulder on his chest he thou gt wow is that the best that old mans got he walked to the window an threw the rock out the window he noticed a note that read Chinese tout re #1 large rock tied to left testicle thinking quickly he jumped out the window thinking a few broken bones are better than castration when he noticed a sign below him that read Chinese tout re #2 right testicle tied to bed post.