Any good jokes?!
Question: does anyone know any good jokes? the funniest one will get 10 points!
Answers: does anyone know any good jokes? the funniest one will get 10 points!
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Heres a good one... Get ready to laugh
..... Christianity!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Funniest joke I know: President George W. Bush.
.
why did the chicken cross the road? cuz he had feet.
I know a dirty joke.
A boy fell in the mud.
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his a**."
General ;there are 3 rings in a marriage-Engagement ring,Wedding ring and the third is ''SUFFERING''...
Alright, there's a monkey and a bird on a tree branch. One day, a hunter came and shot the bird. The bird fell dead. But, why was the monkey's nose bleeding???
Answer: When the hunter shot the bird, the monkey was digging its nose. So when it heard the shot, it got frighten and its finger went up/deeper.. and so its nose bleed. (It's kinda disgusting. But hope you guys enjoyed it. XD)
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A bird that hogs the conversation.
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend
partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on
Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a couple of hours of swearing and
screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days???"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
(stop me if you have heard it)
A blind man, is walking down the street one day, with his
seething, cross eyed dog. The man carries, a roll of of
vertical blinds, horizontally. The dog, has a desert boot,
sticking out of his butt. A passer buy, stop to look, at the dog, needs asole searching, he thought to himself, & the dog.
The pair, had passed buy, buy now, I don't want to say bye bye now! he thought, to the dog.The passer bye, was called,
Pastor Bi. feeble, from a buy pass opp. He made his Pastor
face, set a faster pace, to head them off, at the pass! Apon
catching up, Bi could hear wimpers from the pooch. HUSH
PUPPY , said his master. Dessert boot, I think, replied Bi.
Pastor Bi wanted to help, They all drove into the dessert,
were they were sure to know, about boots. Soon after,
they were lost, days after, dieing. Paster bi, loved the dog.
But they ate him, it was a good meal. As Bi was cleaning up
after the feast, Scraping the leftovers together, he stared at the plate, with watering eyes he sniffed, BLUEY would have
loved these bones.
A cow walked up to another cow, & said,
MOO! The other cow said, I was just about to say that.
What did one strawberry, say to the other strawberry?
If we wer'nt caught in that bed together, we would'nt be in this JAM!
A Priest, an Irishman & a Jew, walk into a bar. The barman says, what is this? some kind of joke.