Can you give me your best joke ?!


Question: Here is mine
A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car when he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman said "Excuse me Sir, you can’t drive around with 20 penguins in the back of your car, take them to the zoo please", the man confirmed that he would indeed take them to the zoo.

The next day the same man again with 20 penguins in the back of his car drives down the same road and passes the same policeman. Annoyed, the policeman pulls him over again. "Oi mate" he says "I told you yesterday to take them penguins to the zoo". The man replied "I did officer....and today Im taking them to the movies!"


Answers: Here is mine
A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car when he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman said "Excuse me Sir, you can’t drive around with 20 penguins in the back of your car, take them to the zoo please", the man confirmed that he would indeed take them to the zoo.

The next day the same man again with 20 penguins in the back of his car drives down the same road and passes the same policeman. Annoyed, the policeman pulls him over again. "Oi mate" he says "I told you yesterday to take them penguins to the zoo". The man replied "I did officer....and today Im taking them to the movies!"

A man with no arms or legs is sitting on a bench by the lake. A beautiful womans is jogging and see the guys looking sad. "What's wrong?" asked the woman. "Well," the man replies, "i've never had my first kiss." So the woman walks up to him and kisses him on the cheek. The next day the man is there again. The same woman is out jogging and sees the man. She sees the man sad and again asks "What's wrong?" This time the man replies "I've never had a car." So the woman goes out and buys him a car. The next day the man is sitting there on the bench again. The woman is out for her daily jog and sees the guy looking sad. The woman asks "Now what's wrong?" The guy replies "I've never been screwed." So the woman lifts him up and throws him in the lake. "Now you've been screwed."

hahaha
if you don't get it. hes screwed cause hes in a lake and he doesnt have any arms or legs so he can't swim.
hahaha

that just cracks me up!!
=]

Two cannibals were sitting down eating a clown. One looks to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

www.jokes.com

Very old one, but good! (*)

wow i can't beat urs. lol lmao

what do you call a chicken in a shell suit
an egg

why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
BECAUSE it was two (too) tired.

how do you get a baby out of a blender?

with tostidos

Haha i luv yours. I have loads but my mind just went totally blank so heres the worst joke u ever will hear.

How do u get a elephant to sit on top of a cherry tree?





You plant a cherry tree seed and put an elephant on top of it.
Haha. Hilarious. Not :)

question -What is the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?

answer- A golfer goes smack, darn it, while a skydiver goes darn it, smack.

Final Confession

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

OK, so there's this guy called "What" and he has a dog called "Brain".
One day, the guy was taking a walk with the dog, then a man came and said:" hey nice to meet you, my name is Nate, what is your name?" What said: "what." Nate said: " I asked you what is your name." "what" Nate:" Do you have a brain???" What said:" Yeah he is somewhere peeing in the bush."

This is a true story. I was delivering the mail one day and this little 3 or 4 year old child asked me my name I said Mr. Carl Wilson but you could call me Mr. C. I asked him what's your name he said Mr. Joseph Smith, now that made my day I could not wait to get home and tell the wife.

why was jj walker arrested at the airport?

because he kept yelling dy-no-miteee .. haha

this is my best one of the day
hope you like it and laugh as much as i did

Here is mine
A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car when he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman said "Excuse me Sir, you can’t drive around with 20 penguins in the back of your car, take them to the zoo please", the man confirmed that he would indeed take them to the zoo.

The next day the same man again with 20 penguins in the back of his car drives down the same road and passes the same policeman. Annoyed, the policeman pulls him over again. "Oi mate" he says "I told you yesterday to take them penguins to the zoo". The man replied "I did officer....and today Im taking them to the movies!"

Chelsea Clinton, daughter of the former President, had a school assignment to interview General Petraeus. She asked him if there was anything he was afraid of. His answer: "I am afraid of only three things: Osama, Obama, and YO MOMMA."

Ok, I found this joke hilarious, but then again, I'm weird... but anyways.

My Media Arts Teacher: So does anyone have any cats at home?... Anyone?
Someone: Yeah...
Teacher: What flavour are they? Cinnamon, Ginger...?

or

By the late Tommy Cooper:

''Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, the other was eating
fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off."

or

My uncle is an agnostic. He also suffers from insommnia and dyslexia.

He lies awake every night wondering if there really is a Dog.

A farmer with a truck load of Horse manure was pulled over on a rural highway. The Trooper told him his load was spilling on the road and he was giving him a ticket for littering. As the cop was writing the ticket, he was annoyed by a swarm of flies circling his head.
He said to the farmer, "These flies are terrible!"
The farmer looked up and said, "Yep, them's circle flies."
The cop said, "Circle flies? I never heard of those."
The farmer explained, " They fly in a circle around a Horses rear end waiting for a meal!"
The cop asked, "Are you calling me a Horses rear end sir?"
The farmer said, "Nope, I ain't called you anything, but you can't fool them flies!"

A penguin is driving his Cadillac across the desert around noon and has engine trouble, so he pulls into the nearest town and at the garage the mechanic says, "Give me an hour and I'll tell you what's wrong with it."

The penguin is roasting out in the midday desert sun, but sees this ice cream parlor down the street and tells the mechanic he's gonna check it out, and will be back in an hour.

So the penguin makes his way down the street and goes into the ice cream parlor, and gets at the back of a huge line (it's noon in the desert, so everyone in town is getting ice cream). 45 minutes go by and the penguin finally gets to the counter and orders a vanilla cone, two scoops.

The penguin looks at his watch and realizes he's only got about ten minutes to get back up the street to the mechanic, so he heads out of the ice cream parlor with his ice cream cone. Well, he can't really eat the ice cream faster than it melts in the midday desert sun, so by the time he gets back over to the garage, he's got ice cream melted all over himself.

The mechanic slides out on the creeper from under the penguin's Cadillac and says, "Well, looks like you might have blown a seal."

The penguin says, "Oh, no - that's just ice cream."

i have a number of them.

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

---------------

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

----------------

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

-----------------

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

-----------------

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on t he photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."





A man gets a local talk show called Casey and Ron to prank call his wife on her birthday, and this is the conversation they had.

“Hello Lois, my name is mike; I’m the personnel director here at your husband’s work,”

“Oh hi, how are you?”

“I’m fine. And how are you?”

“Fine”

“Lois, are you sitting down?”

“Yes…”

“Well, I have some bad news.”

“What do you mean bad news? Bob’s ok isn’t he?”

“Well actually, that’s why I called to talk to you. It’s about bob, and, um, I know he’s been an employee here for a very long time, but I’m afraid we’re gonna have to let bob go.”

What do you mean? Wait that’s not very fair. He’s been very loyal to you.”

“Look I can understand you feeling that way.”

“Feeling that way? You don’t understand we just had a baby”

No, I understand, I understand”

This is a very hard time to do this kind of a thing.”

“Yes it is, but bob has kind of forced our hand on this.”

“Why are you firing him?”

“(sigh) We caught him doing his secretary on his office desk.”

“Oh, that sonofabitch!”

“Look, I know your upset,”

“Upset is not the word that stupid rotten sonofabitch I can’t believe this”

“He’s on his way home right now, and he’s gonna need your support”

“Support my ******* ***! I’m gonna change the locks on the door; I’m throwing all his stuff on the ******* front lawn. He can just have it all. I’m not even gonna be here when he gets back. An now, now, I don’t feel so bad about ******* his brother”

“(gasp) Lois, Lois, Lois, its Casey and Ron, it’s a joke, your husband put us up, it’s your birthday… uuuhhhh, Happy Birthday!




A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not-you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."



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