Without being offensive?!


Question:

Without being offensive?


ive had a long day does anybody know any funny jokes
they can be about anything
and the longer the joke, normally the better
10 points to anybody who makes me laugh the most
2 points to anybody who answers


Answers: Guy is sitting at the bar and the bartender who is 6' 8'' tall and can make a muscle just by winking is in a bad mood. Guy at the bar says to the bartender. 'Are you a betting man', bartender says 'I have been known to bet now and then. Guy says I'll bet you $20 I can bite my eye. Bartender rings up no sale and covers the bet. Guy takes his false eye out and bites it. Bartender starts getting madder. Guy says tell you what ' I'll bet you this $40 I can bite my other eye. Bartender covers the bet and says ' I didn't see you come in with no dog!' Guy takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. Now the bartender is steaming. Guy says 'hey I don't want you to get angry or anything so I'll tell you what, I'll bet this $80 you can take an empty beer bottle slide it the length of this 70 foot bar and I can piss it full before it reaches the end. Bartender says 'you're on' and grabs an empty and says 'you ready'. Guy stands on the bar, whips it out and says 'go'. Bartender slides the bottle down the bar and the guy is whizzing all over the customers, the floor, the ceiling, the back of the bar, everywhere. By the time he gets to the end the bottle is still empty and the bartender is laughing his A** off. Bartender says to the guy 'You knew that was a sucker bet, why did you make it?' guy says ' You see those 5 guys in the corner, I bet them $2500 I could piss all over your bar and make you laugh about it' Did you hear about the midget homosexual?

He came out of the cupboard...hehehe i think you need a break !!!! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink..................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay hope u like this 1:


A man bumps into an old school friend at a party. "Golly," says the friend, "I javen't seen you in years. Where have you been hiding yourself?"

"I've been away with the wife," answers the man.

"Lovely," says the friend. "Where did you go?" Anywhere nice?"

"Greece," comes the reply.

"Gorgeous. Whereabouts in Greece?"

"Oh, erm, P-P-Pr-Pris, no, that's not it," the man says, struggling to remember a word. "Er, T-Tr-Tra... ****! N-Ni-Nic..." Still the word won't come. "Oh bollocks. What do you call that plant that grows up the side of your house? You know, that creeper thing?"

"Ivy?" suggests the friend.

"Yes!That's it!" says the man, relieved.
"Hey, Ivy! What's the name of the place we went to in Greece?"





heres another:



The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


and another





James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand it might rain.




nd 1 mor





Homer thinks his way out of a crisis:
"All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."












u like???????????????? Funniest 5 seconds of your life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1y73sphk...

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