My colleague Stephen S is looking for a woman to marry, do you qualify?!

My colleague Stephen S is looking for a woman to marry, do you qualify?

You must have low self esteem, low expectations, money, an uncontrollable need to go the Latitude Festival, good cooking skills and a wazzle pair of jugs.

Also a desperate need to marry an English man so you can legally stay in the country is not an issue for him.

Apply below, with your reasons why you qualify.

Low self esteem - check. Yes, I'd be prepared to marry a stranger.
Low expectations - check. Yes, he's probably lousy in bed and useless at going down on a girl, that's if he can find the right place, of course. (Stephen, it's the bit between their legs, Son.)
Money - check. I'll pay for everything. You deserve the best.
Latitude Festival - check. Will even go naked to please you, O Master.
Good cooking - check. Very skilled at popping round to the local take-aways.
Jugs - check. If Stephen's got very small hands, he'll be quids in.
Stay in country - check. From the North but would love to remain living in the South.

I love you Stephen. Please marry me.