Good Jokes?!

Good Jokes?

I want some good jokes. Give me all that you know.

3 weeks ago
Hey I know spanish, and that makes no sense.

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are a**holes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
No, I’m an a**hole.”
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he''''d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The follwing day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I''''ve told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn''''t reside here. Don''''t you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush supporters.
Not really knowing what a Bush supporter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush supporter."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush supporter?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry supporter." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry supporter. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry supporter, and my Dad's a Kerry supporter, so I'm a Kerry supporter!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush supporter."
A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".
The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"
The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".
"Just name it, I''''ll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.
The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?
The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."
A man went to a doctor because he was feeling sick. The doctor said " I have bad news, You have 10 to live". The man said 10 what, 10 weeks, 10 days, 10 months.
Doctor: 10, 9, 8
A man and a woman were happily married for many years, but one day, the man forgot it was their anniversary. So, the wife was mad. However, she said that he could make it up to her if, by the next morning, there was something in the driveway that could go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.

The next morning, she woke up and looked out the window, but there was no car in the driveway. There was a small wrapped package instead. She rushed out and tore the wrapping off...


Inside, there was a scale.