Anybody know any good jokes about british people, european people?!
Question:
Anybody know any good jokes about british people, european people?
there is this new british guy at work and i wanna make a little humor out of it
Answers:
Half of these jokes are not mine.
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Some of these jokes are quite true though:
BEING BRITISH
Most of these statements are made by the British themselves, a few by US Americans, and a couple by another European. The comments in brackets are made by a Brit.
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Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish shish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all...
Suspicion of anything foreign (no wait, those are Americans).
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance (Our ambulances are very fast actually, and it looks better than American ambulances).
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front (just a remind for you yanks that at least us Brits don't have to pay for our health service whilst your sick fellow Americans, who can't afford to pay for treatment and a basic check-up, lie somewhere slowing dying).
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke (unfortunately, some of our fellow Brits are too lazy to cook for themselves, but instead eat disgusting, classless American "cuisine" - burgers are German and chips i.e. "fries" are Belgian by the way - I hope we don't turn out like the people of Houston, Texas and most of US America - fat, greasy, ignorant, ethnocentric, nasally-voiced classless yokel hill-billy man-whores).
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters (and yet there are more bank robberies in USA than the UK).
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage (and yet there are more car thefts in the US) .
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place (that someone happens to be an American).
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink (unlike the US where there are no disabled parking at all).
* 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue (80 Yanks die every week trying to steal phone calls from telephone poles).
* 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts (it's a form of chinese acupuncture-turned-dead fad started by stressed out US office workers).
* 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers (this isn't America - we use knives to cut our vegetables, not screwdrivers).
* 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in (a staggering 259 died and a further 180 lost their homes by watering their Xmas tree whilst the fairy lights still plugged in and switched on).
* 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate (those decorations WERE chocolate, American chocolate).
* British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents (defected crackers which were illegally exported to the UK from the US - those crackers appeared on Watchdog twice).
* 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet (those toys were labelled 'Made in USA').
* 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth (alcohol was accidently spilled all over the Brits at a New Year's Y2K party by a clumsy drunk Yank who bought the cheap jumpers as belated Xmas presents).
* 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth (1276 Americans die of brain hemorrhage after crushing beer cans on their foreheads).
* 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars (Made in USA).
* In 2000, eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet (apparently, the Brits' blind dates turned out to be Americans).