Somone please take the time to read this and tell me what you think?!
Question: Somone please take the time to read this and tell me what you think!?
Prologue
This story isn’t a love tale this isn’t a story of perfection!. But a story of my life!. How I got to be the person I am today!. I used to be the girl you would see sitting alone at the window looking into the world trying to find something that can get me through the day!. The type of girl that popular richer people would point and laugh to each other about because I didn’t have as much money or things as them!. The girl who would wonder if there is anything left for me that maybe its just a sick joke that I’m sill here!. I’m not asking anyone to like this or even read this all the way through you could start reading it and put it back down!. Maybe even some of you who are going through the same thing can use some of the things I did and follow after me, which I strongly suggest not to, or make different decisions and not make the same mistakes I have!. Others who have gone through the same thing know where I’m coming from and what I’m hoping for is for this to encourage someone to find their voice and to let people know that the way life is as it may seem you can change it in a second!. Depending on what you decide to do with it and what you let people do with it!. I’m not asking anyone to cry or feel sorrow for me nor am I asking for people to laugh and stand up behind me and support me!. All I’m asking is for someone to listen!. My name is Cheyenne!. I am 15 years old and this is my story!.
Chapter 1
“Hello Dyana!” This is the first thing my mother said to me when I was born!. Still to this day I don’t understand why!. And neither dose my mother!. But one thing I do understand is that, that day was probably the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me at the same time!. I don’t know whether to say thank you for being brought into this world or to say oh my god what have my parents done!. It doesn’t sound like a very positive thing to say I agree but after getting to read about what happened from the day I was born until now you may begin to understand!. One thing to mention is at first when my mom was giving birth to me my brother, Travis, was pushing around a laundry basket and my older brother was getting more of Travis then he was of my mom but I guess in the long run it was ok because no offense mom if you ever read this but I would rather see Travis pushing around a garbage pale even!. Then Travis sat on a baby hospital bed and tried to show my mom how to push the baby while he was drinking apple juice in a juice box!. He had his knees bent and he was saying, “Like this mom look!” So of course when my mom finally had me, which was in Orlando , Florida by the way, I was crying and everyone was crying around me!. My mom because it probably hurt even though she tells me it didn’t which I might actually believe because she didn’t scream at all!. My dad because he didn’t have to hear my mother screaming at him accusing him of everything that just happened was all his fault!. My big brother, Greg, because he just saw our mom give birth and had to record it and Travis because I was crying!. So once I was handed over to my mother she held me under my arms and I immediately sopped crying but one thing I did do was pee on her!. She laughed while everyone else stood there shaking their heads saying, “Well at least we know that works!.” The doctors took me again and started doing all that baby stuff weighing me and dressing me!. I took pictures with everyone then was given back to my mom I looked into her eyes and that was the beginning of my life!. Like everyone, I can’t remember day to day month to month what happened to my life up until I was in 2nd grade!. I do know that I did move to middle town by the age of 2!. One thing I do remember that I always thought was funny was that when I was in kindergarten we had a half-day in school!. I was anxiously waiting for the day to get over with even though I was still on the buss on the way to school!. When I got off the buss and walked through the door to my classroom I set down my things and already someone was asking if it was time to go home yet and surprisingly our teacher told us to pack up!. Another thing I remember is that I had a tick in my hair!. I found it because my head was itchy and I went to scratch it but found a bump instead I pulled it out and my eyes grew wide looking at it!. Immediately I threw it on the floor so I didn’t have to worry about it but at the end out my day, I say my day because I was in kindergarten and I only had half a day, there was an announcement saying a boy got a tick on him in Rm!. 14 which happened to be my room!. I looked around and smiled nervously hoping no one would see me or think it was me!. For some reason I’m always going to remember that and I don’t know why!. I cant really remember much at all but I think that’s really because I was just a little girl!. And since this is a true story I’m not going to make up a whole bunch of things!. I think the reason I remember what I did is because I was just a child and had no idea what was in store for me the rest of my life!.
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The bell rang for the morning announcements and the pledge of allegiance on the first day of 2nd grade!. I met up with my best friend in the whole world, Amanda and we sat next to each other giggling about something out cat did the night before or what barney was doing on the TV the night before!. So when the teacher told us all to sit down and be quiet because class was about to start she introduced a new student!. His name was Peter!. Of course Amanda and me looked at each other and said,”Ewwwww a boy!” Then we would laugh again!. But in all reality we both thought he was kind of cute!. But also remember were in 2nd grade little girls think everything is either gross or cute!. For the first day Amanda and I kind of ignored him because we were nervous around him but by the next day we walked up to him and started to talk!. “I’m Amanda,” she would say then of course me, “and I’m Cheyenne !. Wanna hang out with us!?” Of course we didn’t have the best vocabulary back then and I admit today I still don’t but at least I can admit it!. Since that day you couldn’t see me Amanda or Peter without each other!. We were inseparable!. Every time we had to do a project together we would all team up!. Once we had to make applesauce and most of it ended up on us three than it did in our bowl!. We got in trouble yeah but it was so worth it!. Amanda and me also used to take turns sitting with Peter on the buss since we all rode the buss together!. Peter and me eventually became better friends with each other then me and Amanda and we also started to like each other!. But every little girl ends up liking their guy best friend if they have one!. So we used to spend every night on the phone for a long period of time!. Not knowing that we live so close to each other!. Until one day my parents had to go out and left my brother and me at Peter’s house!. I actually hung out with his sisters, Katie and Rachael, more that day because still even though me and peter were good friends young girls still tend to hang out with girls if they have the chance and peter spent more time with my brother, Travis!. Greg by this point is in his late 20’s and is living with his girlfriend Courtney!. But I got upset because of this!. I was sitting on a tree stump behind his house talking to his sister, Katie!. “Why isn’t Peter hanging out with me!?” I said!. She shook her head no as if she didn’t know what to say!. Unsatisfied with my answer I looked down at my feet and began kicking the air!. Then I heard Peters voice and when I looked up Katie was walking away and Peter was walking towards me!. And believe it or not he started singing to me!. He was singing about how him and me were best friends!. I started to laugh and sing with him while Katie, Rachael and Travis poked their heads out from the side of the house and listened to us singing!. This was the first time I went over to Peters house but also the last!. By the time 3rd grade came around which at that point wasn’t too far away Peter moved again!. Peter was my best friend I thought my world would end because he was gone!. But he did get my address and he knew my number!. By the time he was settled into his new house, which let me remind you is what would seem like days away when I was that old when in all reality it was only an hour or two away!. Now, of course Peter wasn’t my real boyfriend but as a little girl who didn’t know what boyfriend/girlfriend love was I thought he was but we never said anything!. One day when I came home from school and found a letter on the table with those roll on stamps that used to be popular when I was a kid, around the edges of the envelope pretty poorly done and surprisingly it was for me from Peter! I can still remember how my heart jumped when I read his name on the envelope!. He was saying he was doing good and asking how I was telling me all about his new place and he gave me his new number!. And not even moments later I was on the phone dialing his number!. And I wanted to call Amanda but I didn’t know her number and even if I did I probably wouldn’t have remembered it!. So by this point it went from a horrible beginning of the year to a better one!. Now that I was talking to peter again and things seemed fine they actually weren’t!. I know some of you are thinking what does she know she was just a 3rd grader well third grade was when all hell broke loose in my life!. That was the downfall of who I was!. The typical 8-year-old girl!. That’s how people would see me in school as!. Things in school were going great but I wish I could say the same for home!.
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My dad began drinking a lot more!. A girl my age I had no idea what drinking was I thought it was maybe soda or water maybe even juice!. By this time I had moved from my house by the school to a different one!. But I still went to the same school!. Anyway, dad used to take me and Travis out with him and he would get a drink in a paper bag and asked us if we would want to try a sip!. We didn’t know what it was so we tried it!. It tasted horrible I can tell you that and still to this day if I ever even try a sip I’ll think it tastes horrible!. The first time he ever asked us to have a sip I was sitting in the front seat and Travis was sitting in the back he gave me the bottle in the paper bag and told me to try some!. Of course I did what I was told because he was my dad and every kind, well almost every kid unless you’re my cousin Amanda but she’s a different part of this story, listens to their parents!. I gave it to Travis once I took my sip and began to make faces like it was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my whole life which at the point I think it was!. After this point, things really started to go into a living hell for me and well I can’t really say for Travis because he never really talked to anyone about his feelings!. Neither did I for a long time during that year and I’m positive things weren’t going that great for mom either!. Dad would come home in a bad mood almost everyday from work!. One day when he came home our cat snowball was trying to show love to him and was rubbing her head on his legs and going around in circles like cats do and since my father was in a bad mood he picked her up and threw her up the stairs!. I had to bite my lip and try to stop myself from crying I thought my cat was maybe dead!. I heard her let out a long cry as she hit the closet door at the top of the stairs!. She didn’t dare come back down stairs!. He was yelling at us for no reason really!. All because he had a bad day at work and was most likely drinking when he was on his way home!. Part of me wants to blame the alcohol for everything that was about to happen and already was happening but at the same time I want to blame him!.
When he was nine years old he and his family went to a beach and his father was to excited and forgot to take his medicine for his heart!. His father, Grandpa I should say, ran into the water and shortly after he just collapsed!. He fell in the water and everyone started laughing because they thought he was joking around but soon after one after the other they realized that he wasn’t joking!. He was actually dead!. My father being the oldest of the kids and being a boy had to take on the role of the man of the house!. At nine years old let me remind you!. He then began drinking at a very young age!. A lot of other things happened in his life that led up to this point but that’s his story not mine!. So still tot his day my father drank!. He became an alcoholic and refused to go to a meeting to help him stop!. And even if he did he wouldn’t stay!.
One day when we went shopping dad got those chunky chips ahoy cookies and while he was at work Travis and me ate some!. We left maybe a row or two left of cookies and we dint think that dad would really care all that much and we thought that they were for us too because again us being little kids and having sweets in the house of course we thought they were for us!. Dad dint tell us they were his!. Later that evening when dad came home I guess he wanted a cookie and he went into the package and saw that someone was eating them!. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday!. Dad began screaming our names already me and Travis were scared and wanted to hide!. Dad took off his belt and started to look for us!. My brother had a bunk bed so we hid under the bottom bunk I can still remember dad coming in looking for us!. And to think all of that happened just because Travis and me ate some of his cookies!. Like this kind of behavior from a parent wasn’t bad enough for a 8 and 9 year old children!. Dad began not only hitting us with the belt but he began to do things to me!. Which to this day he denies completely and changes the story!. He used to begin to take showers with us and make our water so hot you think it’s cold when you first touch it!. But when he would take showers with us because I was just a kid and didn’t know anything besides if you’re a girl you have different parts that a boy!. He would wash me with a washcloth and I would him!. But when I got to his dick he would especially like it and would tell me to make sure to get that part clean!. And dad if you ever care enough to read this don’t deny it because it happened!. Multiple times after that we had incidents like that!. We had a hot tub in my parent’s room on the higher lever!. we had a pretty big house in middle town!. 2 floors, 3 counting the basement!. And we had about 4 rooms 3 bathrooms and 10 acres!. It was heaven to a kid my age!. But not to me!. Sometimes I would go into the hot-tub and dad would come in naked and then because he was I thought it was ok so I did!. And so did my brother!. I know what your probably wondering!. Where is my mother right!? She was never around!. One time she was though!. When me my dad and Travis were playing in his room I was on his lap and he was making me jump up[ and down then when my mom walked in she gave him a look like , “ Ian what are you doing!?” my mom said!. “What are you talking about!? You pervert what are you thinking!?” that’s what my dad said in reply!. Smart move isn’t it!. So I would figure that he stopped but I don’t remember!. But its after that point that dad wanted me to start cuddling in the bed more often and once I went to bed with a night gown and underwear but the n when I woke up I didn’t have my underwear!. I think back to that time now and say to my self, “self!. How did you not manage to wake up!. Do you know how bad that was!. Because I f you don’t I do!.” I admit I used to talk to myself but at least it was a healthy level on insanity!. After that I asked dad where babies come from, so he says I asked him that but to be honest I don’t remember how it started and again I’m not going to make anything up since this is a true story!. Next thing you know he was sitting on the edge of the bed with room for me to go up there too!. He brought out a little tub of coconut oil and told me to put some on my hands!. So I did but I had no idea what his intentions were!. He wanted to show me the “stuff” that comes out of his dick!. But he wasn’t going to do it he wanted me to do it to him!. He told me step by step what to do!. As much as I don’t want you who read this to know I’ll say it!. Because in the long run it left a huge impact on my life!. The first thing he said for me to do was to make sure that my hands were covered with the coconut oil!. Then he told me to place both of my hands on his dick not to tight!. Then I had to start moving my hands slowly up and down!. I was just an 8-year-old child!. I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong!. Or what he was doing I should say!. But I knew I didn’t feel right!. After that he wanted to cuddle again!. I was on his side of the bed not my mom’s!. I remember I always hated sleeping on dad’s side of the bed!. I used to wonder why but I guess it doesn’t really take a genius to figure that out now!. One day I woke up to him humping furiously at my right side!. I didn’t know what to do so I just moved away from him a little!. Then after that almost all the time after we would come home from a store he would hold me back to wait for mom and Travis to go inside!. My mom had a big van!. One of those vans where there was a tire on the back!. Which still to this day I don’t like those types of vans anymore!. Dad used to take me and put me on top of the tire on the back of the van where he would pull down the bottoms of my pants and start to lick!. You could use your imagination what he was doing!. And that didn’t happen just once either!.
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I would lie in bed alone every night I wasn’t “cuddling” and softly cry to myself!. I would cry until I couldn’t anymore!. Until my eyes dropped shut and I would fall into my heaven!. Sleep!. That was my heaven!. I wouldn’t have to deal with anything!. Not thinking about what I would have to wake up to and what would the next day bring me!. Since dad told me not to tell mommy or anyone else!. By this time it’s about the middle/ end of the 3rd grade school year!. I was almost 9 years old!. June 9th is my birthday!. One night before I was about o fall asleep I heard a voice that I thought was my own just I didn’t recognize it!. When I heard it again I realized that it was a mans voice!. But the thing was it wasn’t a Childs voice so it couldn’t be Travis and it wasn’t exactly a grown mans voice either!. So I know it wasn’t my dad!. I couldn’t quite make out what he said to me because I was focusing on keeping my little sobs quiet and to myself!. When he spoke again I heard the voice say tell your mother!. I began to talk to him!. And soon he became one of my good friends!. He was older than me by I bit but he knew how to act with an 8 year old!. But the thing about him was I could see him but others couldn’t!. He said his name was Shaggy by the way!. And I began to work up the courage to tell my mom!. And that’s what I did!. Mom acted calm to me because she didn’t want to scare me but she flipped emotionally!. Mom contacted the cops and dad had to do 3 years probation!. Its sad to say but I wish now he would have went to jail!. Not only from this may you realize why but later on in my life you’ll understand more!. I had to start seeing a therapist every Wednesday!. This was a major turn in my life!. And it’s because of this that I am who I am today!.
Chapter 2
When I was in therapy every Wednesday she used to ask me about how I was feeling and she would ask me to draw it for her so for some reason when I drew pictures I drew ducks!. I don’t understand why!. But the most of them would have sad faces!. I don’t remember her name but I do remember I liked her!. But I knew I wasn’t able to talk about shaggy because he wouldn’t let me tell anyone who he was!. Which would mean I couldn’t tell anyone why he was there!. He was like an imaginary friend!. But he was so very real!. I cant remember much that me and my therapist talked about but that’s ok because I guess it didn’t much help me today!. I do know now that I had to get a pap smear and an internal!. If you don’t know what that is!. Girls who read this if you haven’t had sex yet don’t!. Because you’ll have to get one!. And just trust me!. You don’t want it!. You really don’t!. Unless you’re a sex-craved insane person who likes pain!. Then maybe there’s a chance you wont mind it!. I didn’t know what it was or why I was getting it but I knew it hurt!. 4-5th grade not much of anything went on because dad was on probation and he wouldn’t dare do anything!. But I still had the fear that once I was 12 things would start happening again!. One day though I don’t remember if it was still in 3rd grade I hid behind our door in the living room and I saw my mom and dad and he was crying!. That was the first time I had seen him cry and actually wasn’t to young to forget it!. And you would think something like what he did to me would stop his drinking!. Well for a period of time yes he did but you can only guess after I turned 12!. one day I was sitting at the kitchen table with glass plates and my parents were arguing about something and then all of the sudden dad smashed my face into the glass plates!. My lip was cut and I began to cry!. But as you should know by now this wasn’t the first time he got violent!. Before Travis and me were born when dad was drinking he had fractured my mothers skull in 3 places and he had held a gun to her head!. Why didn’t she leave!? Love!. That’s why!. You never know what love does to you!. I remember after that happened I was trying to suck on my bottom lip like I do and still to this day I do it!. But I couldn’t because it hurt because I had a cut in my lip!. also every time I wanted to do the dishes I got yelled at because he didn’t want me doing them!. I don’t understand why actually if I had kids and they wanted to do the dishes and knew what could hurt them and what couldn’t hell id let them do it everyday if the wanted!. But for some reason he didn’t like me doing it!. This chapter isn’t going to be very long because I don’t remember much of what happened between my 4-5th year!. I know in school I thought Amanda was my best friend!. As well as Vicki and Vicky!. But one day I found a note from Amanda to Vicki saying that they really didn’t like me!. I also went to Vicky’s a lot!. I always asked Amanda fro her phone number but she never gave it to me and I never understood why until I found that note!. Caryl also came in 5th grade!. You’ll know more about her during my 7th grade year!. I was an amazing artist for a girl my age and everyone used to want me to draw for them including Caryl!. I had to take a test and sit out in the hallway once and Caryl had to read out in the hallway she asked me what I was doing and I told her she said she already did it and gave me the answers!. It was bad but come on what student wouldn’t actually take that offer!? I don’t know one!. I didn’t have any interest in boys at the time including Peter and those of you wondering if I still talked to him yes I did and the reason why I didn’t say anything about that is because we always talked about the same thing!. One time though I was on the phone with him and he was singing to me and I recorded it onto my CD player without him knowing!. I thought it was funny but he didn’t!. Later on he did but not then!. I still haven’t seen him yet at this point!. In school when we had to eat lunch sometimes I had to charge but after you charged for awhile you had to get peanut butter and jelly!. But I hated peanut butter I absolutely despised it!. So the lunch ladies wouldn’t give it to me because they thought that I was allergic to it!. Even though I never told them I was!. That’s all I can pretty much remember from those years!. But to an extent that’s good because that means less abuse or heart break!. Come to think of it I do remember something that happened towards the end of 5th grade!. During 4th grade Amanda moved to another school!. She went to a school in PA!. So while I was back in my school I hung out with a girl named Jackie!. Little did I know what was in store for over the summer!. No one knew what was going to happen!.
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D!.A!.R!.E!. every 5th grader had to do this program!. I don’t remember what it stood for but I think the D means drugs!. Maybe for a drug addict it would mean drugs are really ******* excellent!. But I don’t know!. Anyway the day of our graduation we had to go to Gotta’ Roll!. It was a roller skating place!. A lot of kids used to go there!. I wasn’t so crazy about the thought about having to roller blade in front of a lot of people!. At least Amanda moved back this year and if I fell and made a complete *** of my self she was there to share the humiliation with me!. So my mom, Travis went I don’t know where my dad was!. At work I’m guessing!. That’s where he’s been a lot lately he’s gone all week unless it’s a weekend!. Jackie was there too along with many other people from my school and other 5th graders I didn’t know!. I figured we all graduated together and all had to go there!. I had to pee so bad once I got out onto the ring!. I was just standing in everyone else’s way!.
Finally someone pushed me and I actually decided to move out of the way so I can go to the bathroom!. When I got in there immediately after I got on the toilet the door to the bathroom swung open!. It was a public girls bathroom so at least I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me!. I froze!. I hated going to the bathroom unless I knew who was in the bathroom with me!. I sat there my fists clenched on my knees waiting to hear anyone’s voice!. I was already done going to them bathroom because when the door swung open it scared the piss right out of me!. When I finally heard a voice it wasn’t one but two!. And it was Amanda and Jackie!. I rolled my eyes finished up in the stall!. I hated using public bathrooms because you never knew what touched the seats!. When I got by the mirrors and the sinks Amanda and Jackie were laughing about something!. I later figured out that they were talking about Travis!. Jackie liked him!. I thought it was the perfect way to get back at her because she once said out loud that the guy I thought was cute was sitting at our table!. And it was true!. I thought this guy named Craig was cute!. Today I have no idea what I saw in him!. I think it was just the, he was nice to me once he must like me kind of relationships!. We never called each other boyfriend/girlfriend though!. When she said that I began to cry!.
So I figured now that I know who she likes I can tell him!. Selfish thing to think I know!. But that’s exactly what I did!. I told Travis!. She was so upset with me I didn’t know what to say to her!. I felt bad!. Before I got the chance to say anything to her all of the students had to get out onto the ring because we were going to be recorded and going to be on TV!. I would have loved to be on TV!. But I was far from the right mood to even want to be on TV!. So I put on a fake smile and told Amanda through my teeth what was going on!. After that I was trying to skate by Jackie to say im sorry!. One minuet I was on screen smiling the next I was off the screen trying to get back on!. The night soon ended and I never got to tell her I was sorry!.
The next day was the last day of school and when I saw Jackie I wanted to vanish off of the earth because I didn’t know what to say or how to say it for that matter!. But she actually came up to me and said she was sorry for acting that way and that she deserved that!. So I gave her my number and waited for the end of the day!. That was the last time I heard from her!. But unfortunately that wasn’t the last time I heard about her!. She called me once over the summer!. That was also the last time I heard from her!. Well actually I didn’t even get call my mom did!. I wasn’t there!. But I wish I were!. About a week later a car hit her!. She didn’t make it!. My family went to her funeral to pay our respects!. It seemed like everyone else was more upset about Jackie than her own mother!. But that’s her own story all I know about that is her mother said to her to drop dead!. Amanda was at the funeral too!. When we saw each other we fell into each other’s arms and cried!. Our 5th grade teacher saw us and tried to get her and me into the same class the nest year!. And we were!.
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6th grade!. This year started my hell again!. One of the first few days we had a ceremony for Jackie!. My mom was the one who actually thought of the idea to plant a tree and make a yearbook page dedicated to her!. But of course Mrs!. Dickstein didn’t mention that when we had our ceremony!. I never liked talking in front of a lot of people and especially if it was in front of the whole school!. But in this case I didn’t mind!. Since it was for Jackie!. I told the school that I used o play hand games with her in my recent years and that she had called me only a week before she died!. The reason I didn’t say that we used to play hand games is because I really don’t think that people would want to hear about me paying Mrs!. Mary-Mack!.
After everyone who had something to say about her was done the chorus sang a song called “singing with the angels”!. Jackie was in chorus with Amanda and me!. Our chorus teacher was the one who actually wrote it!. Amanda had to go to guidance after the ceremony because what I didn’t know was that Jackie was actually Amanda’s cousin!. A little later in the year Amanda and me started hanging out a lot more!. Vicki, and Vicky were in my class too!. Vicky started hanging out with me a lot more too!. Amanda and Vicki didn’t really like her not only the fact that she would take me away from anything and wouldn’t let me do things on my own but also she always cried about anything!. One time she was putting on lipstick during class and someone said it out loud to the teacher and she began to cry like no other!. I don’t know why!.
One September morning right before class was about to start we got a new student!. He had blonde hair and blue eyes!. Like I did!. His name was Eric!. He became one of my good friends!. I never liked him more than a best friend!. We hung out a lot until he moved!. He just vanished one day!. He moved around a lot and he didn’t like making friends much because he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with them!.
And then there was Tim!. He was in love with Ally!. He hung out with me and mason a lot!. He hung out with mason more because still we were young and boys thought girls had cooties!. I didn’t know mason that well but I knew he was twins with James they also had a little brother whose name was Justin!. Who I was dared to go out with for a week!. I thought it was disgusting!. I was a 6th grader and I thought I was everything and Justin was a 3rd grader!.
I was failing all of my grades at the time!. Amanda and Vicki were always fighting with Vicky and putting me in the middle I was having a hard time fitting in with anyone else!. I would look at the popular girls and see how thin and pretty they were and how many boys liked them!. I would have given anything just to be them!. One day I asked one of the nice popular girls if I could be popular and she said that she would talk to her friends about it!. I was so sure that I would be popular but I know today that they really didn’t want e to be friends with them!. Peter lived a few hours away and I still haven’t seen him yet at this point!. At home things weren’t all that great either!. Dad was still yelling about anything now!.
Our neighbors weren’t saints either!. Zack, Adam, Mike, and Tyler!. they were the kids!. Sean and Jason were the adults!. Sean was hilarious and so was Jason!. Sean was tutoring me in math one day and Jason was sitting at the table eating skittles looking like he was ‘special’ letting the skittles drip out f his mouth after he chewed them!. Then he would laugh because we knew he wasn’t like that!. Tyler one day asked me to go behind the row of trees we had on our lawn and suck on his dick for him!. Adam asked me the same thing!. I was brought up a Jehovah’s Witness so I said if I say no would you still like me!. I didn’t mean like more than a friend I meant just as a friend!. They said yes so I was happy with that!. The next day when we went to the pool I was wearing a two-piece pink bikini with a skirt attached!. All three of them were trying to back me into a corner and take off the bottom of my bikini so they could see what mine looked like!. I kept trying to pull it back up so eventually I just got out!. When we started walking back home Tyler started walking with his *** hanging out of his pants!. Even though it was on a road where people drive by!. He didn’t care!. If anything he wanted people to see his ***!. Mike their older brother punched me in the boob one day!. That hurt so bad I cant even begin to explain it!. They also invited me to go swimming in their pool!. To I did!. Do I regret it!? Yes!. Why!? Because the water was so dirty you couldn’t se the bottom!. Even though it was one of those blow-up-the-top-fill-with water pools it was disgusting!. There were ear-pinchers in the water too!. I didn’t dare move!. I tried to keep my head above water and I tried not to move at all!. From time to time I would get pushed or shoved that’s when I would laugh uncomfortably!. I couldn’t wait to get out of the pool!. I stayed because I was too nice!.
After they moved out we had Christina!. She wasn’t any better!. She would pee on the couch because she was too lazy to get up!. She smoked like no other I have ever seen!. She was disgusting!. And she was mean as hell!. Thank god she didn’t stay long!. Then there was mark!. He was my dads friend from the firehouse !.My dad was a firefighter by the way!. He was ok but he didn’t pay his rent all of the time!. It was around this time that things at home started to go back to hell!.
Chapter 3
I was on our e-mail account doing what I don’t know because I didn’t have any friends to e- mail!. But I found an e-mail from my dad to a radio station about this woman named kelli asking that if this station ever heard from kelli to let her know that he loves her!. I knew that my parents were still married so I printed it out and showed it to my mom!. Bad move for him and her in a way!. I would be pissed if I ever got married and that happened to me!. The rest I can remember of that day was that dad came into my room when I was crying on the phone with peter telling him everything that happened!. The first thing dad said to me was that I ruined the family!. That I broke us up because I had to show mom that and look into places where I didn’t belong!.
That wasn’t the first time I looked into places I didn’t belong!. Like almost every other kid I went through my parents things!. I found that dad had porno magazines next to his bed and I knew I wanted my hair straight like theirs and I wanted to do what they were doing!. And I found a fake dick behind dads side of the bed!. What was he doing with it!? I have no idea!. I didn’t want to think that he used it on mom!. And then I found a dildo new in a box on mom’s side of the bed!. I took it!. I didn’t use it but I took it!. I don’t know why I took it I guess it just disgusted me that mom had something like that!. I hid it under my pillow for a long time then I put it in between my mattresses!.
Back to peter and what happened that night I began crying harder after dad told me that!. Travis was leaning against my bed!. I don’t remember if he was crying or not!. After I got off the phone with peter, who strangely reminded me of sponge bob, I went to bed crying yet again!. That was all I remembered for that day!. Back in school we were doing poetry, which I was amazing at!. The first one I ever wrote for school had to do with a bunny!. Sounds cute but the bunny had babies an she ended up getting shot!. It was written beautifully but it was horrible!. I was probably the best poetry writer in the class and for once I actually didn’t mind getting up in front of the class to read them because even though I didn’t like to think that something I did was actually good I admitted it for once!.
That was my time of fame!. When I got to get up in front of the class and read to people!. Read my little heart out!. Share with what my mind had created!. It brought a feeling of joy into my heart!. Now I’m not saying that things were bad 24/7 but these are the things that made me the way I am today!. At home mom’s body started to break!. Not literally but metaphorically!. She began to stay in bed a lot more!. I thought at the time it was because she was in a lot of pain or because she was always tired!. Little did I know it was because of depression!. I had no idea what depression was when I was that age!. Next thing I knew dad was going to a hospital called four winds in Minnesota!. I think it was in Minnesota!. I would go visit him sometimes and one day I was going to let him borrow my pink stuffed bunny!.
But our van broke down and it went to the garage down the road!. A few days later I heard that there was a fire/ explosion at the garage that our van was at!. My bunny was still in the van!. When I heard that it was our car that burst into flames I began to cry!. I cried so hard!. All because my bunny was burned and gone forever!. My brother tried to tell me it was ok and so did someone else!. They even brought me a bag of new stuffed animals!. The next time I went to visit him I ate almost a full box of rice crispies all by myself!.
I love them!. Rice crispies to me is like Twinkies to a fat kid!. I shouldn’t say that sometimes I think I’m a fat kid!. I weighed maybe 115 and I was 4’11 in 6th grade!. I used to cry because I thought I was so fat and couldn’t accept myself!. I think I can blame porn and anime for that!. I was jealous of how thin the girls I saw on dad’s magazine were and I loved anime!. And again I was jealous of them too because they were so thin and perfect!.
One day when I visited him I was singing a song that gizmo sang from the movie gremlin!. I don’t know why I started singing it but it was stuck in my head!. I knew I missed him and I knew I wanted him to come home!. I didn’t know what he was there for and still today I don’t know!. I think he had suicidal thoughts!. I can’t say for sure though!. I can say that I wish that mom left him a long time ago!. After he got out things were better for a while!. He was in a better mood and there really was no yelling!. If I remember correctly!. It was getting to be the end of the year and we were getting ready to do our play in school!. I was a kid getting kidnapped and I had to show kids in the audience the right and wrong thing to do if you’re ever in that situation!. After that we were getting ready for our 2 day trip to Philadelphia PA!.
That was always the most exciting thing to a 6th grader!. Fieldtrips!. Sure we went on ones before but never an over night!. This was a big thing to us!. Early Friday morning we had to be at school so the busses could take us to Phili!. Travis didn’t get to go his 6th grade year because his teacher was an *** hole to him!. Her name was Ms!. Denny at the time, this year though it was Mrs!. Valentine!. I had her for math!. That’s the only class we had to switch teachers in!. She would fail him even though his answers were the same as some of the other students who got the same answers right!. So they decided not to let him go on the Philadelphia trip!. So he came on mine!. Since mom wasn’t a chaperone she followed along with her car and brought Travis!. I didn’t like the idea that I had to sleep in a bed with a girl I didn’t really know!. I wanted to be in Amanda’s group but I couldn’t switch because if I switched then she would have to let everyone switch!. We both decided to just sit together on the buss!.
!. We also wanted Caryl to come but se couldn’t!. Amanda had to share the room with Vicky whom she hated and another Amanda who used to be her best friend!. To be honest I was never all that crazy about the other Amanda!. I’ll call her Amanda!. E!. I had to share a room with; well to be honest I don’t remember her name!. The other girl was Kayla I think!. While we were on the buss I was taking pictures on the camera of kids on the buss!. I was trying to get a picture of Timmy!. The one who hung out with me sometimes!. Did I mention he used to chase me around the school playground during recess!? Well he did!. And sometimes I would make him!. I was trying to get a picture of him because when I got back home I was going to make a photo album of this trip!. I did make it but I don’t know where it is anymore!. I got a picture of Mrs!. Dawson’s back!. I don’t know why but I did!. And I got a few pictures of Amanda and Vicky!. Separate!. I think if I asked Amanda to get in a picture with Vicky that would almost be considered assisted suicide!. I sat with Amanda the whole time and we listened to our CD players together!. I don’t remember what we were listening to I think it was called dream street!. The kind of music that if you heard it now you’d think it was gay!. And I agree!. We were having competitions with the bus on the way here, like who could make the weirdest faces or the weirdest hand signs!. And the bus drivers would think its funny to pass each other to make us laugh!. And we did think it was funny because we always said that our buss was in the lead!. Amanda and me were in a way making fun of Vicky!. Vicky’s breath reeked! So every time Amanda would say something she would exaggerate her words and hold her breath on a word!. For example if she said hi she would breathe out on the H!. I don’t think Vicky got it and I kind of hope not because that would make me sound like a hypocrite because I hated when people made fun of me and yet here I was laughing at Amanda for making fun of her!. We didn’t do much on the first day after we got there!. We got to see the liberty bell and we got to see Ben Franklins grave!. I thought that was pretty cool!.
We were supposed to go see the Yankees play at some stadium I don’t remember the name of!. But the game got canceled because it was starting to rain!. And we all had our food ready to be eaten or thrown for that matter if anyone messed up at the game!. Or maybe they had food for some reason I cant say!. Like an American pie movie perhaps!. Anyway back to the game!. In the beginning we didn’t really know what was going on because we saw a lot of people walking across the stadium!. But they ended up canceling!. I didn’t really care because I wouldn’t have really liked it anyway!. I’m not really a big sports fan!. I used to play baseball and I used to pay soccer but I just don’t like it anymore!. I don’t even have good hand eye coordination!. We then got back onto or busses and were on our way to out hotel!. Nothing really went on for the rest of the day most of what we had planned was for the next day!. I drug myself into bed and lay there until my eyes fell heavy!. It seemed to be taking forever!. I had a lot running through my head when the phone to my room rang!. It was the front desk saying that a Barbara was looking for a Cheyenne in room 102!. We were both on the 3rd floor but it was like a maze just getting to her room!. I was excited running through the halls like I’ve been there about a million times before!. I felt like I knew where I was going but then at the same time I felt like I was going nowhere!. When I finally reached my mothers hallway I slowed my pace down and walked the rest of the way there!. Already I was feeling like I would hyperventilate!.
That seems to happen when I run!. I don’t know why I would hyperventilate because I didn’t have asthma!. I get these pains under my ribs and the pain gets so excruciating that I can’t breathe in full breaths!. I began checking the doors for the room number 102!. When I finally reached the door I cleared my throat to make my voice more clear and said, “room service!.” I heard my mom inside say that they just got there and they didn’t need it!. About a minute late I knocked again, “room service!. I have the TV guide you ordered!.” She said this time I have the wrong room!. About 30 seconds later I knocked and said it yet again but this time she opened the door to tell my face to face!. When she saw it was me we laughed so hard and I pushed past her laughing and plopped onto the bed still laughing!. I wasn’t there for very long but while I was there I managed to get some gum from my mom and some cereal!. When I got back to my room I got on the phone with my mom and laid on the bed and talked to he for a while until she had to go!. When I got off the phone with her I waited to get my chance to take a shower!. Finally it was my turn!. I didn’t want to take long because for some reason I don’t like to take showers in other places but my house unless I was there for a week!. It’s not getting naked that I didn’t like!. It wasn’t the fear of someone opening the door and seeing me naked either!. It was the thought of being somewhere I didn’t know in another state miles away from my house and getting naked!. And not to mention that there were people I barley even knew in the room!. I quickly got undressed jumped in the shower turned on the water and screamed!. The water was way too hot!. So I changed the temp then it was to cold then to hot so I got mad and kicked it and of course it was perfect then!. I put the shampoo in my hair and again I screamed because I got it in my eyes!. Thank god no one could hear me!. As soon as I got the conditioner out of my hair I practically fell out of the shower because I wanted to get out of there so fast!. Still rubbing my eyes trying to get the shampoo out I noticed that the door to the bathroom was open!. My eyes grew wide and I could almost hear the music that you would hear coming off of a horror movie!. The type of music that you want to get up and scream at the TV like a complete *** hole saying, “ Oh my god what the **** is wrong with you cant you hear the music!.” That’s when I realized that there was actually horror music playing on the TV in the main room!. I stared at the door like I’ve never seen one before!. The thing that brought me back into reality was the fakest scream I had ever heard in my life!. It came from the TV!. I later found out that everyone was downstairs at a meeting and they left my door open!. The rest of the boring trip passed on and soon summer crept up on us all!.
Chapter 4
Nothing that exciting actually happened over the summer at all!. In fact I really don’t remember most of my summer!. I know I didn’t go over to Amanda’s a lot because well we were friends in school yes but at home I didn’t even call her because she told me for the longest time that she didn’t even have a phone but I knew that she just didn’t much care to hear from me while we were out of school and I can back that up I’m not just saying that because I though that was the case!. I was a horrible child in school!. During lunch sometimes I would ask to go to the bathroom when in all realty I would go back to my classroom and look around the room for candy or notes on the floor!. They weren’t always on the floor though sometimes I would help them onto the floor even they would be in the back of someone’s desk!. One day however I went to Amanda’s desk and I found a note that her and Vicki!.B!. Had written and Amanda wrote that she didn’t really like me and Vicki agreed!. So the summer slowly passed!. And 7th grade began!. The first thing I realized was that we weren’t in the actual middle school, but in the high school!. They were doing some construction work on the middle school!. When I walked into my first period class, which I don’t remember the first thing I do remember, is that Amanda and Caryl were in my class!. I ran over to them and took my seat behind them!. As I looked around the room I saw a boy with bright red hair slightly past his eyes and dressed in gothic clothing!. The first thing I remember thinking about him was, “ oh my god! I do not want to **** with that kid!.” Then I shuddered and turned back to Amanda and Caryl!. At that point in time I really wasn’t into the whole Goth thing and I knew I didn’t want to be either!. Amanda and Caryl were laughing about something so just because I didn’t want to feel like an outcast I started to laugh too!.
Science class!. This was the first time I had ever met Meghan!. She thought I was weird, and my name was weird and to be honest I thought she was weird but in a …weird way!. After a while we became best friends!. Amanda and Caryl weren’t so crazy about her in the beginning especially Amanda because she thought that Meghan was taking her best friend away!. Because like I said Amanda and I had been friends since kindergarten so for a long time Amanda sort of had a who-gets-to-hang-out-with-Cheyenne competition just like back in 6th grade when Amanda and Vicki!.B tried to get me away from Vicky!. H!. That didn’t really bother me though because it was almost like I couldn’t even take a **** without telling Vicky!. She was like up my *** 24/7 even if I didn’t want to hang out with me that day!. For example, “Cheyenne, dude, do you wanna come over after school today and chill!?”
“Yeah we can chill after school today Manda!.” Then Vicky would come along with a book asking Amanda what time she wanted me to come over and she would say If I was free or not!. Now tell me is that bull ****!?
I started to walk home with Meghan almost everyday after that!. The first time I ever hung out with Meghan out of school was when my dad was taking Travis and me to got o Metro in town to get me a new Inuyasha graphic novel!. Which were ******* awesome because they were in color!. Today that would be like upgrading from a CD player to an MP3 player awesome only here’s a secret!. We didn’t have MP3 players when I was in 7th grade or Ipods! Big shock isn’t it!. So after I got off the phone with Meghan letting her know we were coming to pick her up at around 8pm to go to Metro my dad, brother, and me all got into the car and as usual me and Travis fought over shotgun and I ended up crying so I got it!. Besides I think I deserved it since we were picking up my friend and Travis would have gotten it once we got her anyway because I didn’t want my new friend in the back all alone with my brother!. We drove past her house at least 6 times and we didn’t even know and I didn’t remember her number so we couldn’t call her so we ended up going back home just to get her number!. When I called her she was laughing so hard and I couldn’t understand why until I asked her!.
“Hey Meghan what the hell are you laughing at!? You sound like you just saw me naked!. Nah I’m just kidding I’m hot!. I’m hot I know I am!.”
She started to calm down a bit just to talk or at least squeak a few words out!.
“Do you have a little blue car!? Because if you do, do you know that you just passed my house like 15 damn times!?”
Then the laughing began except this time she was joined by me!. She told me that she was going to wait outside next time so we don’t pass her again then we said bye and hung up!.
This time when we went into town to pick her up we actually almost passed her again because I didn’t recognize her in the dark!. Instead of her just jumping into the car I went inside with her and met her mom dad brother and sister!. Of course I was nervous and laughed like a complete idiot!. But it wasn’t one of those huge what-the-hell kind of laughs it was more like a I-hope-no one-heard-that kind of laugh!. It felt sort of weird there I couldn’t out my finger on it!. Maybe it was the fact that her little sister was sitting at the table in her underwear but I don’t know I really don’t!. In a way it felt like home though!. After I finished saying hello and goodbye to Meghan’s family we quickly got in the car and started on our way into town!. Well a different part of town!. Meghan and me were playing music so loud in the back seat you could hear it two cars away and not to mention we were singing along with it although, we didn’t sound very good at all!. We sort of sounded like a dying animal!. When we finally got to metro I ran straight back to the anime section which was like heaven to me at that time in my life!. For some reason I had an obsession with anime and to tell you the truth I still do even at 16 years old!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
This story isn’t a love tale this isn’t a story of perfection!. But a story of my life!. How I got to be the person I am today!. I used to be the girl you would see sitting alone at the window looking into the world trying to find something that can get me through the day!. The type of girl that popular richer people would point and laugh to each other about because I didn’t have as much money or things as them!. The girl who would wonder if there is anything left for me that maybe its just a sick joke that I’m sill here!. I’m not asking anyone to like this or even read this all the way through you could start reading it and put it back down!. Maybe even some of you who are going through the same thing can use some of the things I did and follow after me, which I strongly suggest not to, or make different decisions and not make the same mistakes I have!. Others who have gone through the same thing know where I’m coming from and what I’m hoping for is for this to encourage someone to find their voice and to let people know that the way life is as it may seem you can change it in a second!. Depending on what you decide to do with it and what you let people do with it!. I’m not asking anyone to cry or feel sorrow for me nor am I asking for people to laugh and stand up behind me and support me!. All I’m asking is for someone to listen!. My name is Cheyenne!. I am 15 years old and this is my story!.
Chapter 1
“Hello Dyana!” This is the first thing my mother said to me when I was born!. Still to this day I don’t understand why!. And neither dose my mother!. But one thing I do understand is that, that day was probably the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me at the same time!. I don’t know whether to say thank you for being brought into this world or to say oh my god what have my parents done!. It doesn’t sound like a very positive thing to say I agree but after getting to read about what happened from the day I was born until now you may begin to understand!. One thing to mention is at first when my mom was giving birth to me my brother, Travis, was pushing around a laundry basket and my older brother was getting more of Travis then he was of my mom but I guess in the long run it was ok because no offense mom if you ever read this but I would rather see Travis pushing around a garbage pale even!. Then Travis sat on a baby hospital bed and tried to show my mom how to push the baby while he was drinking apple juice in a juice box!. He had his knees bent and he was saying, “Like this mom look!” So of course when my mom finally had me, which was in Orlando , Florida by the way, I was crying and everyone was crying around me!. My mom because it probably hurt even though she tells me it didn’t which I might actually believe because she didn’t scream at all!. My dad because he didn’t have to hear my mother screaming at him accusing him of everything that just happened was all his fault!. My big brother, Greg, because he just saw our mom give birth and had to record it and Travis because I was crying!. So once I was handed over to my mother she held me under my arms and I immediately sopped crying but one thing I did do was pee on her!. She laughed while everyone else stood there shaking their heads saying, “Well at least we know that works!.” The doctors took me again and started doing all that baby stuff weighing me and dressing me!. I took pictures with everyone then was given back to my mom I looked into her eyes and that was the beginning of my life!. Like everyone, I can’t remember day to day month to month what happened to my life up until I was in 2nd grade!. I do know that I did move to middle town by the age of 2!. One thing I do remember that I always thought was funny was that when I was in kindergarten we had a half-day in school!. I was anxiously waiting for the day to get over with even though I was still on the buss on the way to school!. When I got off the buss and walked through the door to my classroom I set down my things and already someone was asking if it was time to go home yet and surprisingly our teacher told us to pack up!. Another thing I remember is that I had a tick in my hair!. I found it because my head was itchy and I went to scratch it but found a bump instead I pulled it out and my eyes grew wide looking at it!. Immediately I threw it on the floor so I didn’t have to worry about it but at the end out my day, I say my day because I was in kindergarten and I only had half a day, there was an announcement saying a boy got a tick on him in Rm!. 14 which happened to be my room!. I looked around and smiled nervously hoping no one would see me or think it was me!. For some reason I’m always going to remember that and I don’t know why!. I cant really remember much at all but I think that’s really because I was just a little girl!. And since this is a true story I’m not going to make up a whole bunch of things!. I think the reason I remember what I did is because I was just a child and had no idea what was in store for me the rest of my life!.
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The bell rang for the morning announcements and the pledge of allegiance on the first day of 2nd grade!. I met up with my best friend in the whole world, Amanda and we sat next to each other giggling about something out cat did the night before or what barney was doing on the TV the night before!. So when the teacher told us all to sit down and be quiet because class was about to start she introduced a new student!. His name was Peter!. Of course Amanda and me looked at each other and said,”Ewwwww a boy!” Then we would laugh again!. But in all reality we both thought he was kind of cute!. But also remember were in 2nd grade little girls think everything is either gross or cute!. For the first day Amanda and I kind of ignored him because we were nervous around him but by the next day we walked up to him and started to talk!. “I’m Amanda,” she would say then of course me, “and I’m Cheyenne !. Wanna hang out with us!?” Of course we didn’t have the best vocabulary back then and I admit today I still don’t but at least I can admit it!. Since that day you couldn’t see me Amanda or Peter without each other!. We were inseparable!. Every time we had to do a project together we would all team up!. Once we had to make applesauce and most of it ended up on us three than it did in our bowl!. We got in trouble yeah but it was so worth it!. Amanda and me also used to take turns sitting with Peter on the buss since we all rode the buss together!. Peter and me eventually became better friends with each other then me and Amanda and we also started to like each other!. But every little girl ends up liking their guy best friend if they have one!. So we used to spend every night on the phone for a long period of time!. Not knowing that we live so close to each other!. Until one day my parents had to go out and left my brother and me at Peter’s house!. I actually hung out with his sisters, Katie and Rachael, more that day because still even though me and peter were good friends young girls still tend to hang out with girls if they have the chance and peter spent more time with my brother, Travis!. Greg by this point is in his late 20’s and is living with his girlfriend Courtney!. But I got upset because of this!. I was sitting on a tree stump behind his house talking to his sister, Katie!. “Why isn’t Peter hanging out with me!?” I said!. She shook her head no as if she didn’t know what to say!. Unsatisfied with my answer I looked down at my feet and began kicking the air!. Then I heard Peters voice and when I looked up Katie was walking away and Peter was walking towards me!. And believe it or not he started singing to me!. He was singing about how him and me were best friends!. I started to laugh and sing with him while Katie, Rachael and Travis poked their heads out from the side of the house and listened to us singing!. This was the first time I went over to Peters house but also the last!. By the time 3rd grade came around which at that point wasn’t too far away Peter moved again!. Peter was my best friend I thought my world would end because he was gone!. But he did get my address and he knew my number!. By the time he was settled into his new house, which let me remind you is what would seem like days away when I was that old when in all reality it was only an hour or two away!. Now, of course Peter wasn’t my real boyfriend but as a little girl who didn’t know what boyfriend/girlfriend love was I thought he was but we never said anything!. One day when I came home from school and found a letter on the table with those roll on stamps that used to be popular when I was a kid, around the edges of the envelope pretty poorly done and surprisingly it was for me from Peter! I can still remember how my heart jumped when I read his name on the envelope!. He was saying he was doing good and asking how I was telling me all about his new place and he gave me his new number!. And not even moments later I was on the phone dialing his number!. And I wanted to call Amanda but I didn’t know her number and even if I did I probably wouldn’t have remembered it!. So by this point it went from a horrible beginning of the year to a better one!. Now that I was talking to peter again and things seemed fine they actually weren’t!. I know some of you are thinking what does she know she was just a 3rd grader well third grade was when all hell broke loose in my life!. That was the downfall of who I was!. The typical 8-year-old girl!. That’s how people would see me in school as!. Things in school were going great but I wish I could say the same for home!.
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My dad began drinking a lot more!. A girl my age I had no idea what drinking was I thought it was maybe soda or water maybe even juice!. By this time I had moved from my house by the school to a different one!. But I still went to the same school!. Anyway, dad used to take me and Travis out with him and he would get a drink in a paper bag and asked us if we would want to try a sip!. We didn’t know what it was so we tried it!. It tasted horrible I can tell you that and still to this day if I ever even try a sip I’ll think it tastes horrible!. The first time he ever asked us to have a sip I was sitting in the front seat and Travis was sitting in the back he gave me the bottle in the paper bag and told me to try some!. Of course I did what I was told because he was my dad and every kind, well almost every kid unless you’re my cousin Amanda but she’s a different part of this story, listens to their parents!. I gave it to Travis once I took my sip and began to make faces like it was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my whole life which at the point I think it was!. After this point, things really started to go into a living hell for me and well I can’t really say for Travis because he never really talked to anyone about his feelings!. Neither did I for a long time during that year and I’m positive things weren’t going that great for mom either!. Dad would come home in a bad mood almost everyday from work!. One day when he came home our cat snowball was trying to show love to him and was rubbing her head on his legs and going around in circles like cats do and since my father was in a bad mood he picked her up and threw her up the stairs!. I had to bite my lip and try to stop myself from crying I thought my cat was maybe dead!. I heard her let out a long cry as she hit the closet door at the top of the stairs!. She didn’t dare come back down stairs!. He was yelling at us for no reason really!. All because he had a bad day at work and was most likely drinking when he was on his way home!. Part of me wants to blame the alcohol for everything that was about to happen and already was happening but at the same time I want to blame him!.
When he was nine years old he and his family went to a beach and his father was to excited and forgot to take his medicine for his heart!. His father, Grandpa I should say, ran into the water and shortly after he just collapsed!. He fell in the water and everyone started laughing because they thought he was joking around but soon after one after the other they realized that he wasn’t joking!. He was actually dead!. My father being the oldest of the kids and being a boy had to take on the role of the man of the house!. At nine years old let me remind you!. He then began drinking at a very young age!. A lot of other things happened in his life that led up to this point but that’s his story not mine!. So still tot his day my father drank!. He became an alcoholic and refused to go to a meeting to help him stop!. And even if he did he wouldn’t stay!.
One day when we went shopping dad got those chunky chips ahoy cookies and while he was at work Travis and me ate some!. We left maybe a row or two left of cookies and we dint think that dad would really care all that much and we thought that they were for us too because again us being little kids and having sweets in the house of course we thought they were for us!. Dad dint tell us they were his!. Later that evening when dad came home I guess he wanted a cookie and he went into the package and saw that someone was eating them!. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday!. Dad began screaming our names already me and Travis were scared and wanted to hide!. Dad took off his belt and started to look for us!. My brother had a bunk bed so we hid under the bottom bunk I can still remember dad coming in looking for us!. And to think all of that happened just because Travis and me ate some of his cookies!. Like this kind of behavior from a parent wasn’t bad enough for a 8 and 9 year old children!. Dad began not only hitting us with the belt but he began to do things to me!. Which to this day he denies completely and changes the story!. He used to begin to take showers with us and make our water so hot you think it’s cold when you first touch it!. But when he would take showers with us because I was just a kid and didn’t know anything besides if you’re a girl you have different parts that a boy!. He would wash me with a washcloth and I would him!. But when I got to his dick he would especially like it and would tell me to make sure to get that part clean!. And dad if you ever care enough to read this don’t deny it because it happened!. Multiple times after that we had incidents like that!. We had a hot tub in my parent’s room on the higher lever!. we had a pretty big house in middle town!. 2 floors, 3 counting the basement!. And we had about 4 rooms 3 bathrooms and 10 acres!. It was heaven to a kid my age!. But not to me!. Sometimes I would go into the hot-tub and dad would come in naked and then because he was I thought it was ok so I did!. And so did my brother!. I know what your probably wondering!. Where is my mother right!? She was never around!. One time she was though!. When me my dad and Travis were playing in his room I was on his lap and he was making me jump up[ and down then when my mom walked in she gave him a look like , “ Ian what are you doing!?” my mom said!. “What are you talking about!? You pervert what are you thinking!?” that’s what my dad said in reply!. Smart move isn’t it!. So I would figure that he stopped but I don’t remember!. But its after that point that dad wanted me to start cuddling in the bed more often and once I went to bed with a night gown and underwear but the n when I woke up I didn’t have my underwear!. I think back to that time now and say to my self, “self!. How did you not manage to wake up!. Do you know how bad that was!. Because I f you don’t I do!.” I admit I used to talk to myself but at least it was a healthy level on insanity!. After that I asked dad where babies come from, so he says I asked him that but to be honest I don’t remember how it started and again I’m not going to make anything up since this is a true story!. Next thing you know he was sitting on the edge of the bed with room for me to go up there too!. He brought out a little tub of coconut oil and told me to put some on my hands!. So I did but I had no idea what his intentions were!. He wanted to show me the “stuff” that comes out of his dick!. But he wasn’t going to do it he wanted me to do it to him!. He told me step by step what to do!. As much as I don’t want you who read this to know I’ll say it!. Because in the long run it left a huge impact on my life!. The first thing he said for me to do was to make sure that my hands were covered with the coconut oil!. Then he told me to place both of my hands on his dick not to tight!. Then I had to start moving my hands slowly up and down!. I was just an 8-year-old child!. I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong!. Or what he was doing I should say!. But I knew I didn’t feel right!. After that he wanted to cuddle again!. I was on his side of the bed not my mom’s!. I remember I always hated sleeping on dad’s side of the bed!. I used to wonder why but I guess it doesn’t really take a genius to figure that out now!. One day I woke up to him humping furiously at my right side!. I didn’t know what to do so I just moved away from him a little!. Then after that almost all the time after we would come home from a store he would hold me back to wait for mom and Travis to go inside!. My mom had a big van!. One of those vans where there was a tire on the back!. Which still to this day I don’t like those types of vans anymore!. Dad used to take me and put me on top of the tire on the back of the van where he would pull down the bottoms of my pants and start to lick!. You could use your imagination what he was doing!. And that didn’t happen just once either!.
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I would lie in bed alone every night I wasn’t “cuddling” and softly cry to myself!. I would cry until I couldn’t anymore!. Until my eyes dropped shut and I would fall into my heaven!. Sleep!. That was my heaven!. I wouldn’t have to deal with anything!. Not thinking about what I would have to wake up to and what would the next day bring me!. Since dad told me not to tell mommy or anyone else!. By this time it’s about the middle/ end of the 3rd grade school year!. I was almost 9 years old!. June 9th is my birthday!. One night before I was about o fall asleep I heard a voice that I thought was my own just I didn’t recognize it!. When I heard it again I realized that it was a mans voice!. But the thing was it wasn’t a Childs voice so it couldn’t be Travis and it wasn’t exactly a grown mans voice either!. So I know it wasn’t my dad!. I couldn’t quite make out what he said to me because I was focusing on keeping my little sobs quiet and to myself!. When he spoke again I heard the voice say tell your mother!. I began to talk to him!. And soon he became one of my good friends!. He was older than me by I bit but he knew how to act with an 8 year old!. But the thing about him was I could see him but others couldn’t!. He said his name was Shaggy by the way!. And I began to work up the courage to tell my mom!. And that’s what I did!. Mom acted calm to me because she didn’t want to scare me but she flipped emotionally!. Mom contacted the cops and dad had to do 3 years probation!. Its sad to say but I wish now he would have went to jail!. Not only from this may you realize why but later on in my life you’ll understand more!. I had to start seeing a therapist every Wednesday!. This was a major turn in my life!. And it’s because of this that I am who I am today!.
Chapter 2
When I was in therapy every Wednesday she used to ask me about how I was feeling and she would ask me to draw it for her so for some reason when I drew pictures I drew ducks!. I don’t understand why!. But the most of them would have sad faces!. I don’t remember her name but I do remember I liked her!. But I knew I wasn’t able to talk about shaggy because he wouldn’t let me tell anyone who he was!. Which would mean I couldn’t tell anyone why he was there!. He was like an imaginary friend!. But he was so very real!. I cant remember much that me and my therapist talked about but that’s ok because I guess it didn’t much help me today!. I do know now that I had to get a pap smear and an internal!. If you don’t know what that is!. Girls who read this if you haven’t had sex yet don’t!. Because you’ll have to get one!. And just trust me!. You don’t want it!. You really don’t!. Unless you’re a sex-craved insane person who likes pain!. Then maybe there’s a chance you wont mind it!. I didn’t know what it was or why I was getting it but I knew it hurt!. 4-5th grade not much of anything went on because dad was on probation and he wouldn’t dare do anything!. But I still had the fear that once I was 12 things would start happening again!. One day though I don’t remember if it was still in 3rd grade I hid behind our door in the living room and I saw my mom and dad and he was crying!. That was the first time I had seen him cry and actually wasn’t to young to forget it!. And you would think something like what he did to me would stop his drinking!. Well for a period of time yes he did but you can only guess after I turned 12!. one day I was sitting at the kitchen table with glass plates and my parents were arguing about something and then all of the sudden dad smashed my face into the glass plates!. My lip was cut and I began to cry!. But as you should know by now this wasn’t the first time he got violent!. Before Travis and me were born when dad was drinking he had fractured my mothers skull in 3 places and he had held a gun to her head!. Why didn’t she leave!? Love!. That’s why!. You never know what love does to you!. I remember after that happened I was trying to suck on my bottom lip like I do and still to this day I do it!. But I couldn’t because it hurt because I had a cut in my lip!. also every time I wanted to do the dishes I got yelled at because he didn’t want me doing them!. I don’t understand why actually if I had kids and they wanted to do the dishes and knew what could hurt them and what couldn’t hell id let them do it everyday if the wanted!. But for some reason he didn’t like me doing it!. This chapter isn’t going to be very long because I don’t remember much of what happened between my 4-5th year!. I know in school I thought Amanda was my best friend!. As well as Vicki and Vicky!. But one day I found a note from Amanda to Vicki saying that they really didn’t like me!. I also went to Vicky’s a lot!. I always asked Amanda fro her phone number but she never gave it to me and I never understood why until I found that note!. Caryl also came in 5th grade!. You’ll know more about her during my 7th grade year!. I was an amazing artist for a girl my age and everyone used to want me to draw for them including Caryl!. I had to take a test and sit out in the hallway once and Caryl had to read out in the hallway she asked me what I was doing and I told her she said she already did it and gave me the answers!. It was bad but come on what student wouldn’t actually take that offer!? I don’t know one!. I didn’t have any interest in boys at the time including Peter and those of you wondering if I still talked to him yes I did and the reason why I didn’t say anything about that is because we always talked about the same thing!. One time though I was on the phone with him and he was singing to me and I recorded it onto my CD player without him knowing!. I thought it was funny but he didn’t!. Later on he did but not then!. I still haven’t seen him yet at this point!. In school when we had to eat lunch sometimes I had to charge but after you charged for awhile you had to get peanut butter and jelly!. But I hated peanut butter I absolutely despised it!. So the lunch ladies wouldn’t give it to me because they thought that I was allergic to it!. Even though I never told them I was!. That’s all I can pretty much remember from those years!. But to an extent that’s good because that means less abuse or heart break!. Come to think of it I do remember something that happened towards the end of 5th grade!. During 4th grade Amanda moved to another school!. She went to a school in PA!. So while I was back in my school I hung out with a girl named Jackie!. Little did I know what was in store for over the summer!. No one knew what was going to happen!.
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D!.A!.R!.E!. every 5th grader had to do this program!. I don’t remember what it stood for but I think the D means drugs!. Maybe for a drug addict it would mean drugs are really ******* excellent!. But I don’t know!. Anyway the day of our graduation we had to go to Gotta’ Roll!. It was a roller skating place!. A lot of kids used to go there!. I wasn’t so crazy about the thought about having to roller blade in front of a lot of people!. At least Amanda moved back this year and if I fell and made a complete *** of my self she was there to share the humiliation with me!. So my mom, Travis went I don’t know where my dad was!. At work I’m guessing!. That’s where he’s been a lot lately he’s gone all week unless it’s a weekend!. Jackie was there too along with many other people from my school and other 5th graders I didn’t know!. I figured we all graduated together and all had to go there!. I had to pee so bad once I got out onto the ring!. I was just standing in everyone else’s way!.
Finally someone pushed me and I actually decided to move out of the way so I can go to the bathroom!. When I got in there immediately after I got on the toilet the door to the bathroom swung open!. It was a public girls bathroom so at least I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me!. I froze!. I hated going to the bathroom unless I knew who was in the bathroom with me!. I sat there my fists clenched on my knees waiting to hear anyone’s voice!. I was already done going to them bathroom because when the door swung open it scared the piss right out of me!. When I finally heard a voice it wasn’t one but two!. And it was Amanda and Jackie!. I rolled my eyes finished up in the stall!. I hated using public bathrooms because you never knew what touched the seats!. When I got by the mirrors and the sinks Amanda and Jackie were laughing about something!. I later figured out that they were talking about Travis!. Jackie liked him!. I thought it was the perfect way to get back at her because she once said out loud that the guy I thought was cute was sitting at our table!. And it was true!. I thought this guy named Craig was cute!. Today I have no idea what I saw in him!. I think it was just the, he was nice to me once he must like me kind of relationships!. We never called each other boyfriend/girlfriend though!. When she said that I began to cry!.
So I figured now that I know who she likes I can tell him!. Selfish thing to think I know!. But that’s exactly what I did!. I told Travis!. She was so upset with me I didn’t know what to say to her!. I felt bad!. Before I got the chance to say anything to her all of the students had to get out onto the ring because we were going to be recorded and going to be on TV!. I would have loved to be on TV!. But I was far from the right mood to even want to be on TV!. So I put on a fake smile and told Amanda through my teeth what was going on!. After that I was trying to skate by Jackie to say im sorry!. One minuet I was on screen smiling the next I was off the screen trying to get back on!. The night soon ended and I never got to tell her I was sorry!.
The next day was the last day of school and when I saw Jackie I wanted to vanish off of the earth because I didn’t know what to say or how to say it for that matter!. But she actually came up to me and said she was sorry for acting that way and that she deserved that!. So I gave her my number and waited for the end of the day!. That was the last time I heard from her!. But unfortunately that wasn’t the last time I heard about her!. She called me once over the summer!. That was also the last time I heard from her!. Well actually I didn’t even get call my mom did!. I wasn’t there!. But I wish I were!. About a week later a car hit her!. She didn’t make it!. My family went to her funeral to pay our respects!. It seemed like everyone else was more upset about Jackie than her own mother!. But that’s her own story all I know about that is her mother said to her to drop dead!. Amanda was at the funeral too!. When we saw each other we fell into each other’s arms and cried!. Our 5th grade teacher saw us and tried to get her and me into the same class the nest year!. And we were!.
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6th grade!. This year started my hell again!. One of the first few days we had a ceremony for Jackie!. My mom was the one who actually thought of the idea to plant a tree and make a yearbook page dedicated to her!. But of course Mrs!. Dickstein didn’t mention that when we had our ceremony!. I never liked talking in front of a lot of people and especially if it was in front of the whole school!. But in this case I didn’t mind!. Since it was for Jackie!. I told the school that I used o play hand games with her in my recent years and that she had called me only a week before she died!. The reason I didn’t say that we used to play hand games is because I really don’t think that people would want to hear about me paying Mrs!. Mary-Mack!.
After everyone who had something to say about her was done the chorus sang a song called “singing with the angels”!. Jackie was in chorus with Amanda and me!. Our chorus teacher was the one who actually wrote it!. Amanda had to go to guidance after the ceremony because what I didn’t know was that Jackie was actually Amanda’s cousin!. A little later in the year Amanda and me started hanging out a lot more!. Vicki, and Vicky were in my class too!. Vicky started hanging out with me a lot more too!. Amanda and Vicki didn’t really like her not only the fact that she would take me away from anything and wouldn’t let me do things on my own but also she always cried about anything!. One time she was putting on lipstick during class and someone said it out loud to the teacher and she began to cry like no other!. I don’t know why!.
One September morning right before class was about to start we got a new student!. He had blonde hair and blue eyes!. Like I did!. His name was Eric!. He became one of my good friends!. I never liked him more than a best friend!. We hung out a lot until he moved!. He just vanished one day!. He moved around a lot and he didn’t like making friends much because he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with them!.
And then there was Tim!. He was in love with Ally!. He hung out with me and mason a lot!. He hung out with mason more because still we were young and boys thought girls had cooties!. I didn’t know mason that well but I knew he was twins with James they also had a little brother whose name was Justin!. Who I was dared to go out with for a week!. I thought it was disgusting!. I was a 6th grader and I thought I was everything and Justin was a 3rd grader!.
I was failing all of my grades at the time!. Amanda and Vicki were always fighting with Vicky and putting me in the middle I was having a hard time fitting in with anyone else!. I would look at the popular girls and see how thin and pretty they were and how many boys liked them!. I would have given anything just to be them!. One day I asked one of the nice popular girls if I could be popular and she said that she would talk to her friends about it!. I was so sure that I would be popular but I know today that they really didn’t want e to be friends with them!. Peter lived a few hours away and I still haven’t seen him yet at this point!. At home things weren’t all that great either!. Dad was still yelling about anything now!.
Our neighbors weren’t saints either!. Zack, Adam, Mike, and Tyler!. they were the kids!. Sean and Jason were the adults!. Sean was hilarious and so was Jason!. Sean was tutoring me in math one day and Jason was sitting at the table eating skittles looking like he was ‘special’ letting the skittles drip out f his mouth after he chewed them!. Then he would laugh because we knew he wasn’t like that!. Tyler one day asked me to go behind the row of trees we had on our lawn and suck on his dick for him!. Adam asked me the same thing!. I was brought up a Jehovah’s Witness so I said if I say no would you still like me!. I didn’t mean like more than a friend I meant just as a friend!. They said yes so I was happy with that!. The next day when we went to the pool I was wearing a two-piece pink bikini with a skirt attached!. All three of them were trying to back me into a corner and take off the bottom of my bikini so they could see what mine looked like!. I kept trying to pull it back up so eventually I just got out!. When we started walking back home Tyler started walking with his *** hanging out of his pants!. Even though it was on a road where people drive by!. He didn’t care!. If anything he wanted people to see his ***!. Mike their older brother punched me in the boob one day!. That hurt so bad I cant even begin to explain it!. They also invited me to go swimming in their pool!. To I did!. Do I regret it!? Yes!. Why!? Because the water was so dirty you couldn’t se the bottom!. Even though it was one of those blow-up-the-top-fill-with water pools it was disgusting!. There were ear-pinchers in the water too!. I didn’t dare move!. I tried to keep my head above water and I tried not to move at all!. From time to time I would get pushed or shoved that’s when I would laugh uncomfortably!. I couldn’t wait to get out of the pool!. I stayed because I was too nice!.
After they moved out we had Christina!. She wasn’t any better!. She would pee on the couch because she was too lazy to get up!. She smoked like no other I have ever seen!. She was disgusting!. And she was mean as hell!. Thank god she didn’t stay long!. Then there was mark!. He was my dads friend from the firehouse !.My dad was a firefighter by the way!. He was ok but he didn’t pay his rent all of the time!. It was around this time that things at home started to go back to hell!.
Chapter 3
I was on our e-mail account doing what I don’t know because I didn’t have any friends to e- mail!. But I found an e-mail from my dad to a radio station about this woman named kelli asking that if this station ever heard from kelli to let her know that he loves her!. I knew that my parents were still married so I printed it out and showed it to my mom!. Bad move for him and her in a way!. I would be pissed if I ever got married and that happened to me!. The rest I can remember of that day was that dad came into my room when I was crying on the phone with peter telling him everything that happened!. The first thing dad said to me was that I ruined the family!. That I broke us up because I had to show mom that and look into places where I didn’t belong!.
That wasn’t the first time I looked into places I didn’t belong!. Like almost every other kid I went through my parents things!. I found that dad had porno magazines next to his bed and I knew I wanted my hair straight like theirs and I wanted to do what they were doing!. And I found a fake dick behind dads side of the bed!. What was he doing with it!? I have no idea!. I didn’t want to think that he used it on mom!. And then I found a dildo new in a box on mom’s side of the bed!. I took it!. I didn’t use it but I took it!. I don’t know why I took it I guess it just disgusted me that mom had something like that!. I hid it under my pillow for a long time then I put it in between my mattresses!.
Back to peter and what happened that night I began crying harder after dad told me that!. Travis was leaning against my bed!. I don’t remember if he was crying or not!. After I got off the phone with peter, who strangely reminded me of sponge bob, I went to bed crying yet again!. That was all I remembered for that day!. Back in school we were doing poetry, which I was amazing at!. The first one I ever wrote for school had to do with a bunny!. Sounds cute but the bunny had babies an she ended up getting shot!. It was written beautifully but it was horrible!. I was probably the best poetry writer in the class and for once I actually didn’t mind getting up in front of the class to read them because even though I didn’t like to think that something I did was actually good I admitted it for once!.
That was my time of fame!. When I got to get up in front of the class and read to people!. Read my little heart out!. Share with what my mind had created!. It brought a feeling of joy into my heart!. Now I’m not saying that things were bad 24/7 but these are the things that made me the way I am today!. At home mom’s body started to break!. Not literally but metaphorically!. She began to stay in bed a lot more!. I thought at the time it was because she was in a lot of pain or because she was always tired!. Little did I know it was because of depression!. I had no idea what depression was when I was that age!. Next thing I knew dad was going to a hospital called four winds in Minnesota!. I think it was in Minnesota!. I would go visit him sometimes and one day I was going to let him borrow my pink stuffed bunny!.
But our van broke down and it went to the garage down the road!. A few days later I heard that there was a fire/ explosion at the garage that our van was at!. My bunny was still in the van!. When I heard that it was our car that burst into flames I began to cry!. I cried so hard!. All because my bunny was burned and gone forever!. My brother tried to tell me it was ok and so did someone else!. They even brought me a bag of new stuffed animals!. The next time I went to visit him I ate almost a full box of rice crispies all by myself!.
I love them!. Rice crispies to me is like Twinkies to a fat kid!. I shouldn’t say that sometimes I think I’m a fat kid!. I weighed maybe 115 and I was 4’11 in 6th grade!. I used to cry because I thought I was so fat and couldn’t accept myself!. I think I can blame porn and anime for that!. I was jealous of how thin the girls I saw on dad’s magazine were and I loved anime!. And again I was jealous of them too because they were so thin and perfect!.
One day when I visited him I was singing a song that gizmo sang from the movie gremlin!. I don’t know why I started singing it but it was stuck in my head!. I knew I missed him and I knew I wanted him to come home!. I didn’t know what he was there for and still today I don’t know!. I think he had suicidal thoughts!. I can’t say for sure though!. I can say that I wish that mom left him a long time ago!. After he got out things were better for a while!. He was in a better mood and there really was no yelling!. If I remember correctly!. It was getting to be the end of the year and we were getting ready to do our play in school!. I was a kid getting kidnapped and I had to show kids in the audience the right and wrong thing to do if you’re ever in that situation!. After that we were getting ready for our 2 day trip to Philadelphia PA!.
That was always the most exciting thing to a 6th grader!. Fieldtrips!. Sure we went on ones before but never an over night!. This was a big thing to us!. Early Friday morning we had to be at school so the busses could take us to Phili!. Travis didn’t get to go his 6th grade year because his teacher was an *** hole to him!. Her name was Ms!. Denny at the time, this year though it was Mrs!. Valentine!. I had her for math!. That’s the only class we had to switch teachers in!. She would fail him even though his answers were the same as some of the other students who got the same answers right!. So they decided not to let him go on the Philadelphia trip!. So he came on mine!. Since mom wasn’t a chaperone she followed along with her car and brought Travis!. I didn’t like the idea that I had to sleep in a bed with a girl I didn’t really know!. I wanted to be in Amanda’s group but I couldn’t switch because if I switched then she would have to let everyone switch!. We both decided to just sit together on the buss!.
!. We also wanted Caryl to come but se couldn’t!. Amanda had to share the room with Vicky whom she hated and another Amanda who used to be her best friend!. To be honest I was never all that crazy about the other Amanda!. I’ll call her Amanda!. E!. I had to share a room with; well to be honest I don’t remember her name!. The other girl was Kayla I think!. While we were on the buss I was taking pictures on the camera of kids on the buss!. I was trying to get a picture of Timmy!. The one who hung out with me sometimes!. Did I mention he used to chase me around the school playground during recess!? Well he did!. And sometimes I would make him!. I was trying to get a picture of him because when I got back home I was going to make a photo album of this trip!. I did make it but I don’t know where it is anymore!. I got a picture of Mrs!. Dawson’s back!. I don’t know why but I did!. And I got a few pictures of Amanda and Vicky!. Separate!. I think if I asked Amanda to get in a picture with Vicky that would almost be considered assisted suicide!. I sat with Amanda the whole time and we listened to our CD players together!. I don’t remember what we were listening to I think it was called dream street!. The kind of music that if you heard it now you’d think it was gay!. And I agree!. We were having competitions with the bus on the way here, like who could make the weirdest faces or the weirdest hand signs!. And the bus drivers would think its funny to pass each other to make us laugh!. And we did think it was funny because we always said that our buss was in the lead!. Amanda and me were in a way making fun of Vicky!. Vicky’s breath reeked! So every time Amanda would say something she would exaggerate her words and hold her breath on a word!. For example if she said hi she would breathe out on the H!. I don’t think Vicky got it and I kind of hope not because that would make me sound like a hypocrite because I hated when people made fun of me and yet here I was laughing at Amanda for making fun of her!. We didn’t do much on the first day after we got there!. We got to see the liberty bell and we got to see Ben Franklins grave!. I thought that was pretty cool!.
We were supposed to go see the Yankees play at some stadium I don’t remember the name of!. But the game got canceled because it was starting to rain!. And we all had our food ready to be eaten or thrown for that matter if anyone messed up at the game!. Or maybe they had food for some reason I cant say!. Like an American pie movie perhaps!. Anyway back to the game!. In the beginning we didn’t really know what was going on because we saw a lot of people walking across the stadium!. But they ended up canceling!. I didn’t really care because I wouldn’t have really liked it anyway!. I’m not really a big sports fan!. I used to play baseball and I used to pay soccer but I just don’t like it anymore!. I don’t even have good hand eye coordination!. We then got back onto or busses and were on our way to out hotel!. Nothing really went on for the rest of the day most of what we had planned was for the next day!. I drug myself into bed and lay there until my eyes fell heavy!. It seemed to be taking forever!. I had a lot running through my head when the phone to my room rang!. It was the front desk saying that a Barbara was looking for a Cheyenne in room 102!. We were both on the 3rd floor but it was like a maze just getting to her room!. I was excited running through the halls like I’ve been there about a million times before!. I felt like I knew where I was going but then at the same time I felt like I was going nowhere!. When I finally reached my mothers hallway I slowed my pace down and walked the rest of the way there!. Already I was feeling like I would hyperventilate!.
That seems to happen when I run!. I don’t know why I would hyperventilate because I didn’t have asthma!. I get these pains under my ribs and the pain gets so excruciating that I can’t breathe in full breaths!. I began checking the doors for the room number 102!. When I finally reached the door I cleared my throat to make my voice more clear and said, “room service!.” I heard my mom inside say that they just got there and they didn’t need it!. About a minute late I knocked again, “room service!. I have the TV guide you ordered!.” She said this time I have the wrong room!. About 30 seconds later I knocked and said it yet again but this time she opened the door to tell my face to face!. When she saw it was me we laughed so hard and I pushed past her laughing and plopped onto the bed still laughing!. I wasn’t there for very long but while I was there I managed to get some gum from my mom and some cereal!. When I got back to my room I got on the phone with my mom and laid on the bed and talked to he for a while until she had to go!. When I got off the phone with her I waited to get my chance to take a shower!. Finally it was my turn!. I didn’t want to take long because for some reason I don’t like to take showers in other places but my house unless I was there for a week!. It’s not getting naked that I didn’t like!. It wasn’t the fear of someone opening the door and seeing me naked either!. It was the thought of being somewhere I didn’t know in another state miles away from my house and getting naked!. And not to mention that there were people I barley even knew in the room!. I quickly got undressed jumped in the shower turned on the water and screamed!. The water was way too hot!. So I changed the temp then it was to cold then to hot so I got mad and kicked it and of course it was perfect then!. I put the shampoo in my hair and again I screamed because I got it in my eyes!. Thank god no one could hear me!. As soon as I got the conditioner out of my hair I practically fell out of the shower because I wanted to get out of there so fast!. Still rubbing my eyes trying to get the shampoo out I noticed that the door to the bathroom was open!. My eyes grew wide and I could almost hear the music that you would hear coming off of a horror movie!. The type of music that you want to get up and scream at the TV like a complete *** hole saying, “ Oh my god what the **** is wrong with you cant you hear the music!.” That’s when I realized that there was actually horror music playing on the TV in the main room!. I stared at the door like I’ve never seen one before!. The thing that brought me back into reality was the fakest scream I had ever heard in my life!. It came from the TV!. I later found out that everyone was downstairs at a meeting and they left my door open!. The rest of the boring trip passed on and soon summer crept up on us all!.
Chapter 4
Nothing that exciting actually happened over the summer at all!. In fact I really don’t remember most of my summer!. I know I didn’t go over to Amanda’s a lot because well we were friends in school yes but at home I didn’t even call her because she told me for the longest time that she didn’t even have a phone but I knew that she just didn’t much care to hear from me while we were out of school and I can back that up I’m not just saying that because I though that was the case!. I was a horrible child in school!. During lunch sometimes I would ask to go to the bathroom when in all realty I would go back to my classroom and look around the room for candy or notes on the floor!. They weren’t always on the floor though sometimes I would help them onto the floor even they would be in the back of someone’s desk!. One day however I went to Amanda’s desk and I found a note that her and Vicki!.B!. Had written and Amanda wrote that she didn’t really like me and Vicki agreed!. So the summer slowly passed!. And 7th grade began!. The first thing I realized was that we weren’t in the actual middle school, but in the high school!. They were doing some construction work on the middle school!. When I walked into my first period class, which I don’t remember the first thing I do remember, is that Amanda and Caryl were in my class!. I ran over to them and took my seat behind them!. As I looked around the room I saw a boy with bright red hair slightly past his eyes and dressed in gothic clothing!. The first thing I remember thinking about him was, “ oh my god! I do not want to **** with that kid!.” Then I shuddered and turned back to Amanda and Caryl!. At that point in time I really wasn’t into the whole Goth thing and I knew I didn’t want to be either!. Amanda and Caryl were laughing about something so just because I didn’t want to feel like an outcast I started to laugh too!.
Science class!. This was the first time I had ever met Meghan!. She thought I was weird, and my name was weird and to be honest I thought she was weird but in a …weird way!. After a while we became best friends!. Amanda and Caryl weren’t so crazy about her in the beginning especially Amanda because she thought that Meghan was taking her best friend away!. Because like I said Amanda and I had been friends since kindergarten so for a long time Amanda sort of had a who-gets-to-hang-out-with-Cheyenne competition just like back in 6th grade when Amanda and Vicki!.B tried to get me away from Vicky!. H!. That didn’t really bother me though because it was almost like I couldn’t even take a **** without telling Vicky!. She was like up my *** 24/7 even if I didn’t want to hang out with me that day!. For example, “Cheyenne, dude, do you wanna come over after school today and chill!?”
“Yeah we can chill after school today Manda!.” Then Vicky would come along with a book asking Amanda what time she wanted me to come over and she would say If I was free or not!. Now tell me is that bull ****!?
I started to walk home with Meghan almost everyday after that!. The first time I ever hung out with Meghan out of school was when my dad was taking Travis and me to got o Metro in town to get me a new Inuyasha graphic novel!. Which were ******* awesome because they were in color!. Today that would be like upgrading from a CD player to an MP3 player awesome only here’s a secret!. We didn’t have MP3 players when I was in 7th grade or Ipods! Big shock isn’t it!. So after I got off the phone with Meghan letting her know we were coming to pick her up at around 8pm to go to Metro my dad, brother, and me all got into the car and as usual me and Travis fought over shotgun and I ended up crying so I got it!. Besides I think I deserved it since we were picking up my friend and Travis would have gotten it once we got her anyway because I didn’t want my new friend in the back all alone with my brother!. We drove past her house at least 6 times and we didn’t even know and I didn’t remember her number so we couldn’t call her so we ended up going back home just to get her number!. When I called her she was laughing so hard and I couldn’t understand why until I asked her!.
“Hey Meghan what the hell are you laughing at!? You sound like you just saw me naked!. Nah I’m just kidding I’m hot!. I’m hot I know I am!.”
She started to calm down a bit just to talk or at least squeak a few words out!.
“Do you have a little blue car!? Because if you do, do you know that you just passed my house like 15 damn times!?”
Then the laughing began except this time she was joined by me!. She told me that she was going to wait outside next time so we don’t pass her again then we said bye and hung up!.
This time when we went into town to pick her up we actually almost passed her again because I didn’t recognize her in the dark!. Instead of her just jumping into the car I went inside with her and met her mom dad brother and sister!. Of course I was nervous and laughed like a complete idiot!. But it wasn’t one of those huge what-the-hell kind of laughs it was more like a I-hope-no one-heard-that kind of laugh!. It felt sort of weird there I couldn’t out my finger on it!. Maybe it was the fact that her little sister was sitting at the table in her underwear but I don’t know I really don’t!. In a way it felt like home though!. After I finished saying hello and goodbye to Meghan’s family we quickly got in the car and started on our way into town!. Well a different part of town!. Meghan and me were playing music so loud in the back seat you could hear it two cars away and not to mention we were singing along with it although, we didn’t sound very good at all!. We sort of sounded like a dying animal!. When we finally got to metro I ran straight back to the anime section which was like heaven to me at that time in my life!. For some reason I had an obsession with anime and to tell you the truth I still do even at 16 years old!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
My name is samantha, and I know exactly where you are coming from, my child hood was the furthest from perfect, believe me when I say that I have seen it all and been through it all!. I believe that god puts the people that he knows are strong through a tougher life, because I would like to think that there will be a better reward for us when this is all over!. and im not super religious or anything like that, but sometimes you just have to have faith, its what will keep you going!. and sweetie you have to know that nothing that has happened to you was in anyway your fault!. your still so young, one day your gonna look back at all of this and realize what I am saying to you!. Any advise I can give you is stay in school if you can, and make your own future for yourself!. my goal in life is to be the exact opposite then my parents and when I have children give them a great life!. You will be stronger than others because of what you have been through, and you will be tougher than the rest because of it all!. Try to always be true to yourself, you need to love yourself for exactly the way you are before you can love anyone else, dont do things you dont want to do to make anyone else happy, dont be afraid to tell someone to ****off, and don't hesitate to call the police on someone if they try to hurt you, family or not!. Dont care about hurting other peoples feelings, and don't care what other people think of you!.!.!. Dont sweat the small stuff!!! you have one more year until you can be on your own if you need to, if things get bad again!. I moved out when i was 17!. Im 22 years old and im still getting thrown curve balls, I went from a tramadic childhood, to bad friends, to bad bosses, to crappy jobs, I went through katrina, i've lost good friends, bad friends, i've lost love, I have lost everything I own many many times, nothing will stop me, I say keep it coming!Www@Enter-QA@Com
awwww!.!.!.that is so sad!. I'm so glad that I read that!. I never knew that those things actually happen to people!. I always thought that it was just in books!. I feel so sorry for you!. I hope your life is better now!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
wow, I am so sorry!. thank you for being brave enough to share your story!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
daaaaaaaaaaammmmmmnnnnnnn thats longWww@Enter-QA@Com
aww :( sad storyWww@Enter-QA@Com
that was, sad!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
VERY SAD I ALMOST CRIED!~!i hope LIFE IS WAYYY BETTER!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com