Do you like my poem? It needs help, any suggestions?!
Question: Do I not, deserve attention?
Is my soul, not worth your mention?
I'm alone, and I am lost...
Would I be better, as a ghost?
My wrists look tempting, I suppose…
I cut them, and watch the blood spill;
its sight does not, make me ill.
My thoughts are drowning, in red rain;
don't judge me, you don't know my pain.
Overwhelming, as blood sprays;
Nobody asked me, if I was I okay.
The world has loved itself, forever;
but, hasn't loved me.... No, never.
I need someone to ask
someone to understand
I need you to stand here.
I need you to dare;
to ask me about me, and to really care.
I cannot carry this burden, alone.
I'm losing my strength, and I need my feelings shown.
What did I do, to be ignored by mankind?
I don't think I'm fine.
And I fear that, now, I've lost my mind.
Answers: Do I not, deserve attention?
Is my soul, not worth your mention?
I'm alone, and I am lost...
Would I be better, as a ghost?
My wrists look tempting, I suppose…
I cut them, and watch the blood spill;
its sight does not, make me ill.
My thoughts are drowning, in red rain;
don't judge me, you don't know my pain.
Overwhelming, as blood sprays;
Nobody asked me, if I was I okay.
The world has loved itself, forever;
but, hasn't loved me.... No, never.
I need someone to ask
someone to understand
I need you to stand here.
I need you to dare;
to ask me about me, and to really care.
I cannot carry this burden, alone.
I'm losing my strength, and I need my feelings shown.
What did I do, to be ignored by mankind?
I don't think I'm fine.
And I fear that, now, I've lost my mind.
If people are reading this in their heads, you don't need to put commas for people to pause to make the poem flow. I used to do that, but it gets annoying after.
Some lines are messed up like
Nobody asked me, if I was I okay
rate mine please?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3921111/1/Br...
this story -also mine- relates to you
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3858924/1/Ra...
your poem is amazing its so..deep and dark. but thats a good thing. :))
i dont see anything that you need to add or change.
its perfect the way it is. well..maybe a title?
but it is really good.
is that a true to yoour life poem? if it is, than not everybody doesnt like u I LIKE YOU! and if its not true, then whyd you write it?