I have been told that I am a good author. What do you think?!
Question: Here is a story I wrote:
The ocean swept over Saffa's feet, as she shut her eyes, and concentradted on the smell of the salty air, tugging at her hair and clothes. The water was freezing for the middle of July, but the sun was warm and comforting on her face. The memory of an old friend lingered in her mind. She grabbed the memory, salvaging the last familiar thing in her world, as her friends and family slowly changed. Leaving her behind, and moulding themselves around the new world. Forgetting the old ways of their people. But not Saffa. She could never stray from the path of her ancestors. She was imprisoned inside herself. Freedom so close, but forbidden, intensifying the lust. The gods had told her she was immortal solely for the pupose of teaching the new people the ways of the old, and ensure that all life is not doomed. A gift, they had told her. It was hell on earth. Unbearable. Saffa took another step into the water. Then another. Another. She took a breath, and dunked under
Answers: Here is a story I wrote:
The ocean swept over Saffa's feet, as she shut her eyes, and concentradted on the smell of the salty air, tugging at her hair and clothes. The water was freezing for the middle of July, but the sun was warm and comforting on her face. The memory of an old friend lingered in her mind. She grabbed the memory, salvaging the last familiar thing in her world, as her friends and family slowly changed. Leaving her behind, and moulding themselves around the new world. Forgetting the old ways of their people. But not Saffa. She could never stray from the path of her ancestors. She was imprisoned inside herself. Freedom so close, but forbidden, intensifying the lust. The gods had told her she was immortal solely for the pupose of teaching the new people the ways of the old, and ensure that all life is not doomed. A gift, they had told her. It was hell on earth. Unbearable. Saffa took another step into the water. Then another. Another. She took a breath, and dunked under
Yes, I am a writer, and I do think this is good. You seem to have a good feel for your character. The main thing I would say is to keep writing, don't stop to edit until you have a sizable piece to work on.
Then, if you want to improve it, I suggest you read it again, and try to show rather than tell, using concrete detail which will draw the reader into the world you have created. Also, try removing as many words as possible, tightening the piece up, creating more atmosphere.
With that in mind, I would make the following comments as an example:
Would Saffa concentrate on a smell? What if instead you took out the words. "and concentrated on". Would it read better? More immediate?
Take out "in her mind" ?
I don't understand "her friends and family slowly changed".......what exactly do you mean by this? Can you be more specific? Do you need to say this at all?
I don't know if this is helpful, but the best teacher I had was the one who showed me how to remove unnecessary words. The famous poet Seamus Heaney called this "removing the scaffolding". And it is an excellent analogy. Write, write, write, like building a house. Don't attempt to remove the scaffolding until the piece is finished. But then, ruthlessly, remove every unnecessary word.
Good luck with that!!
Wow, that's pretty good!
looks like a story ive read before, nice plagarism
Very nice, good writing. Name could be changed though. Seems a bit silly (no offence at all). Maybe spelling of name could be changed. Sapha?
your good..
Wow, I LOVE it!
If you wrote a book to follow up I would totally read it.
Excellent
how old are you?
Yeah, I would definetly read more! Actually if you've written more please send it to me @ coasterkid96@yahoo.com. :-))
It's a good, okay story. If you were an author you could do mystery/suspense. However you must be careful with your words and tone, because while I was reading it, it sounded like a poem too.
Jade
Boring story, but good grammar and spelling.
good but im not sure theres a point to it id have to hear the entire thing ot just a passage. also its a little drifty like you are drifting off subject. why is she on a beach? why does she feel lust? why did her family leave her but if theres a stroy behind it its pretty good :]
very good. Nice use of consonance at the beggining... did you do that on purpose? ("s"s and "f"s)
Well, it certainly wanted me to read it but the story didn't ring true, it was a bit contrived. But good.
that is awesome!!!!!!!! honestly it is!
i want 2 be a writer too
p.s. you might want to do spell check
:)
I think its really great, I think the wording is a little overbearing for my mind.
But nonetheless,
its good.
Well whoever told you that you were a good author was right!!! That was better than books i've read, really descriptive and capturing!! you should write books for a living!!!
Use spell check and check on your grammar - you have a few incomplete sentences also.....sounds like plagiarism - I read a book very similar to this! Keep trying, but don't give up your day job quite yet.
wow that is amazing! you are so desciptive and captured me within the first few words! you should email me some more stories or the rest of that one! =]
email me!
i give ya a 10!
umm.
i think you should try myspace =D.
&& I hope you know half the people who answered didnt read it.[INCLUDING ME] sorry kiddo! =D!
Your writing is good, though there is room to improve. There are some errors and in the beginning you jumped around a lot. Try to elongate your sentences in the begginning to create paragraphs. Its really blotchy. Good base for a story though. Also at the end, you could use commas. They're awesome. xD