What do you think of this poem???!


Question:

What do you think of this poem???

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Take my hand
And watch me fall
Through a sea of darkness
Or a cloud of happiness
Watch me tumble
Through a hidden passageway
To someone’s dreams
To encounter strange creatures
And flowers in new heights,
Taller than a giraffe
Watch me run wildly, untamed
Through a forest
Watch me fly in the sea
And swim through the clouds
Or drown in a pool of your love
That’s what life is about,
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Additional Details

1 month ago
Tell me what u honestly think. . .I just want 2 improve my writing.


Answers:

first of, i like the images. the tone is consistent throughout the poem.
BUT this line: "Take my hand
And watch me fall"

You gotta pick which one you want to open up with. if the speaker wants the other person to take their hand, then they cant watch them fall because they would both fall.
I would take out the cloud of happiness out, it seems you're jamming more stuff in or you're changing your mind.
This line: "Through a hidden passageway"
where is this passage? in someone's head? or is it a place?
you threw me off in that line.
this line: "To encounter strange creatures/And flowers in new heights,/Taller than a giraffe"
How about: "...and flowers in new heights/ that are taller than a giraffe"?
or something like that.

I think you do have great images here.
but i would try just playing around with metaphors.
a poem is a concrete image it could be abstract but dont confuse the reader who's analyzing it.
your rhythm is another thing...its kind of choppy. try reading it aloud.
becuase at first it was flowy but then it was choppy.
so try working with that. but it was good.


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