~Help~ Does this sound good ~Help~?!
Question: ~Help~ Does this sound good ~Help~!?
“Mother, please don’t die,” Chiyo cried, “I need you!” Tears were streaming down her face!. “Chiyo,” her mother gasped, “I love you!.” Her eyes slowly closed and her heart stopped!. “No!” Chiyo gasped for breath; how could her mother be dead!?
“Girl, do you want your mother!?” Chiyo looked up, and saw a man in a black cloak!.
“Who are you!?” She asked!.
“I am the man who can bring your mother back and make you happy forever!.” His voice was blood chilling!.
“You can bring her back!?” She rubbed her eyes!.
“Yes,” the man took her face in her hands, “and all you have to do is help me!.”
“With what!?” Chiyo asked confused!.
“Everything!.”
“You will bring her back, right!?” A small smile appeared on her face!.
“As you wish!.” The man snapped his fingers and everything went black!.
I need you to give me some tips like how I can fix it!. I don't want you telling me that it is good!. I am doing this for a group were they continue the story!. So your help is appreciated!. I take critasizm well!
(I posted this last night but I only got one answer)Www@Enter-QA@Com
“Girl, do you want your mother!?” Chiyo looked up, and saw a man in a black cloak!.
“Who are you!?” She asked!.
“I am the man who can bring your mother back and make you happy forever!.” His voice was blood chilling!.
“You can bring her back!?” She rubbed her eyes!.
“Yes,” the man took her face in her hands, “and all you have to do is help me!.”
“With what!?” Chiyo asked confused!.
“Everything!.”
“You will bring her back, right!?” A small smile appeared on her face!.
“As you wish!.” The man snapped his fingers and everything went black!.
I need you to give me some tips like how I can fix it!. I don't want you telling me that it is good!. I am doing this for a group were they continue the story!. So your help is appreciated!. I take critasizm well!
(I posted this last night but I only got one answer)Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
All in all, it sounds pretty good but you could fix a few things!.
1!. To me a man who says something in a blood chilling voice wouldn't say "and make you happy forever" something is just wrong with that!. Make it more menacing even if you say basically the same thing in different language!.
2!. I think that if someone claimed to be able to bring back the dead I would be more skeptical than she is at the part where "a small smile appeared on her face" maybe you could make it be that 'a doubtful look crosses her face' (just an idea)
3!. Add a little bit of description in a few spots!. For instance, you could make the "black cloak" be a 'ragged black cloak' or she sees 'a man wearing a black cloak that hangs limply from his shoulders!.' Whatever you do try to make your audience imagine what you see also!.
Good Luck with your story!Www@Enter-QA@Com
1!. To me a man who says something in a blood chilling voice wouldn't say "and make you happy forever" something is just wrong with that!. Make it more menacing even if you say basically the same thing in different language!.
2!. I think that if someone claimed to be able to bring back the dead I would be more skeptical than she is at the part where "a small smile appeared on her face" maybe you could make it be that 'a doubtful look crosses her face' (just an idea)
3!. Add a little bit of description in a few spots!. For instance, you could make the "black cloak" be a 'ragged black cloak' or she sees 'a man wearing a black cloak that hangs limply from his shoulders!.' Whatever you do try to make your audience imagine what you see also!.
Good Luck with your story!Www@Enter-QA@Com
you can change 'mother please don't die' to 'mother please don't go!.' change 'took her face in her hands' to took her face in his hands!.'
After the 'everything' part you can include 'yes whatever you say just bring my mother back!.' And then maybe include that the man gives a sly smile and then says 'as you wish!.'
Is this just going to be a written story or a story with drawings accompany the written portion!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
After the 'everything' part you can include 'yes whatever you say just bring my mother back!.' And then maybe include that the man gives a sly smile and then says 'as you wish!.'
Is this just going to be a written story or a story with drawings accompany the written portion!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
Good ideas!. Maybe you could describe the characters a little more though, and add a little more bulk to the text itself!. But yeah, you have very good ideas and this could become a good story plot!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
ya its pretty good! but everytime someone says soemthing, u dotn have to be like: screamed choyo or"said choyo"
because then its too much
but overall its good!Www@Enter-QA@Com
because then its too much
but overall its good!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Sounds pretty GoodWww@Enter-QA@Com
plech!. the only good comics are Calvin and HobbsWww@Enter-QA@Com
I think its pretty good! email me the whole story when you finish!Www@Enter-QA@Com