Please read my story and tell me what you think?!


Question: Please read my story and tell me what you think!?
dont answer if you didnt read the damn story sorry i just posted it like 4 times and all people are saying is its to long ok well then dont answer then god damn it sorry its just really irritating

The fight in sector 9


Dillon stepped onto the water as if it were solid ground!. I- I don’t know if I can do this, said noel fear full in her voice!. Don’t worry, Dillon replied!. I’m here all you have to do is trust me I wont let you go under I promise! Do you promise with your life!? With my life noel I will protect you “and” miss Rachel, Dillon replied confidentially!. Rachel showed him a smile, after contemplating for a quick second she took a step of faith onto the water and did not fall under!. Rachel sighed with relief as she and Dillon looked back at noel waiting for her to follow!. Dillon I, she was cut off!. Hurry we must go “now” misses noel! Dillon yelled!. Without thinking about it much noel stepped onto the water, eyes shut tight awaiting the plummet into the depths of the ocean, but nothing happened!. Noel picked out of one eye and then the other to find she was completely stable on the surface of the water!. B- but how I don’t understand!? Asked a confused noel!. No questions now noel, we have to get going if we want to get out before the watchers catch us!. To late, called a voice that came form above!. All of them shot their heads into the sky in unison!. So the rats “were” attempting an escape were they!? Well no better being to judge then god himself right!? Asked the man rhetorically!. What the hell are you talking about! Said Dillon readying himself for a fight that he felt was unavoidable now!. Damn it, he thought to himself if only it would have just been him, if only he didn’t have so many liabilities!. No how could he even think like that!? He was given these wings for a reason and he would perform his duty even if it meant his life!. Well I see “your” living up to the name ignorantly given to you by these pathetic humans!. I live to save people whatever name they give me is fine, how can you even talk about ignorant humans as if you’re above them!? Easy because I am above them, replied the man as he flapped his wings above Dillon and the others watching below!. Funny I could have sworn you were human you know with that human body your occupying and all its hard to tell!. Shut the hell up! And seems your putting on quit the display of ignorance right now!. The man in the sky busted into laughter holding his sides as he flapped his wings to stay elevated!. Well it would seem to a human that my way of thinking was ignorant because I am a god and one with such little knowledge couldn’t possibly understand!. Really now is that so!? Asked Dillon he was filled with so much excitement that he wanted to shoot up into the skies and leave everything behind him that very moment!. Well, do I have a few things to show you! Said Dillon!. I suppose you do, replied the man excitement and pride in his voice!. Dillon looked back at Rachel and noel apologetically!. I’m sorry misses noel this should only take me a second, said Dillon as he raised his hand and a water orb surrounded Rachel and noel completely!. They both screamed in fear!. Don’t worry I promise noel with my life remember!? I guess I should allow you your good byes just hurry up with the sappy stuff would ya got way more important things to do, o and uh this is gunna take you way longer then a second, said the man vigorously!. Is that so, asked Dillon as he turned to look at the man in the skies!. That’s right you damn rat you be regretting this soon enough, replied the man!. But first I would like to know the name of the man who died so bravely fighting to save his beloved humans!. It’s Dillon, Dillon the hero! Said Dillon full of courage and excitement as he spread his dark beautiful wings once more!. The man froze for a second in shock!. Dillon, Dillon the hero is it!? I’ve heard quite a lot about you it will be an honor to destroy you with “my” own hands!. Bring it on! Shouted Dillon as he took off into the sky like a bullet his fist colliding with the mans face drawing blood and sending the man soaring a few feet back as he regained balance in thin air!. He immediately shot an fireball at Dillon who just barely dodged it!. Neither letting up they both charged right at each other full force!. The man threw a punch at Dillon who dodged it and caught the man right in the stomach with his fist knocking the air right out of him!. Dillon quickly followed up by grabbing the mans leg and throwing him down into the water, creating a big splash!. All was quite for a moment but Dillon was not dumb enough to believe that was the end of it, as he stayed above the water flapping his wings completely aware of his surroundings!.Www@Enter-QA@Com


Answers:
WOW! Tha's an awesome story!.!.xx Congrats! It should get published!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

Go read "Fear and Lothing"!. Similar inspiration, I'm sure, but a better story!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

sorry!.!.!.i was one of the people that said it was too long!.!.!.ok, i read it!.!.!.it was pretty interesting(^_^)!.!.!.but kinda confusing(o_0)!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

!.!.!.Er, well, not to continue to annoy you, but it /is/ a bit hard on the eyes to read something with absolutely no breaks like that!. It also tends to induce skimming which is something an author should avoid at all costs, right!?

I thought it was alright!. You obviously lack some formatting musts, but the story's plot was something I think my brothers would've enjoyed reading if it were fleshed out a bit differently (and some of the cheesier lines changed around a bit)!. I think you need to work a bit more on your style, especially flow-wise, but it's not like you're devoid of talent or anything; I think some sentences could stand to be re-arranged and you could definitely change/do-without some of the "said"s!.

May I suggest getting a beta!? It's a good option for you, I think, if you're serious about improving your writing!.

Sorry if you were looking for mindless praise!. :) I feel after all the work you had to have put into this, you at least deserve some semblance of organized thoughts!.Www@Enter-QA@Com



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