Wanted! Tommy Cooper One Liners ....?!
Question: You know ... like .... " I surprised everyone in the restaurant last night, I ordered in French ...... it was a Chinese restaurant!"
Looking to reel them out at Xmas so need some material! And anything will do, as long as it's brief and Tommy Cooper could have said it!
Answers: You know ... like .... " I surprised everyone in the restaurant last night, I ordered in French ...... it was a Chinese restaurant!"
Looking to reel them out at Xmas so need some material! And anything will do, as long as it's brief and Tommy Cooper could have said it!
Well you asked for them!!!
TOMMY COOPER JOKES
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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" So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel .
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Your family are going to hate me - but enjoy your holiday!!
just like that
your get some more from the link below x
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.
just like that was his most famous saying
Arrrrrrgh my heart.....probably his last one. Tip top (Just like that)
here's a tommy cooper joke.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
a Fsh.
"I went to the dentist.....he said my teeth were alright but my gums have got to come out".........definitely one of tommy coopers.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Eyed Deer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and not moving?
Still No Eyed Deer!
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A Wonky Donkey!
What do you call a donkey with three legs that blinks a lot?
A Winky, Wonky Donkey!
A man walked into a bar.
You'd have thought he would have seen it!
Many,many years ago I drove him at that time I was a chauffeur, I took him to a recording of "This is your life" waited to take him home he lived in Chiswick London, when I arrived at his home, being a proper chauffeur, I got out to open the door, He put a teabag in my top pocket, and said " here a drink on me"........Jason W